But I believe I'm worth coming home to...

This is tremendously late for me to be blogging, I know. But I wanted to get my thoughts down on Tori Amos before I go to bed...or else I'll forget everything. Anyway, this was one of the concerts I really felt like I needed to see in my lifetime. I love most of her old stuff a lot more than the new, but the last two CD's I really did like. That's rambly...but oh well.

Let me just say that I have expressed desire to see a concert at Millenium park's Pritzker Pavilion before this. I was willing to see an orchestra, really anything. And then this opportunity appeared. [note: Tori said during the concert that she was honored to be the first/test pop act at the pavilion. I did not know this. And is she really pop?]. My friend and I showed up after both opening bands had played so we were far back on the lawn. With nothing to sit on. This attracted attention and some concert venue "workers" came over and made fun of us. Then they offered us seats in the pavilion. They were awesome seats. And we only paid $16. Anyway, don't get too excited, he was offering everyone around us seats. There were people declining.

First impression of Tori, wow, who is this lady? Of course there is the poofy (and very long now) red kinky hair. And then she came out wearing a flowing gown. I honestly thought, oh my god, she's dressed like a fairy. This feeling was reinforced when she ran off of the stage at the end holding the sides of her dress so it appeared as if she had wings. She's strange. But the music and voice were really dazzling. I remember why I love her. I was told to expect gyrating, masturbatory movement on her piano...and it really wasn't any worse than Chris Martin. I think his was actually more graphic...ooooh, delicious mental picture.

The concert was really mellow, I found myself thinking a lot about everything (which is unusual for a concert, but oddly cleansing): about the city, my life, and most of all, how wonderful that venue is. Not only was the sound fairly brilliant, you're surrounded by beautiful city buildings and starry sky. Plus, on Wednesdays, it turns out there's a fair view of the Navy Pier fireworks. Fireworks set to the music of Tori.

All in all, a really great experience.

A spinster on spinsters...

My sister and Janet have both discussed this, so this may make more sense if you go to those two links. I totally agree that saying you're attracted to "confidence" is an easy way to sound like a "good guy" without saying something as cliche as "personality." The truth is, I think men mistake a really put together girl as someone with confidence. Maybe those girls do sometimes, but most of the time those girls in the heels with the trendy purse and perfectly hi-lighted hair are trying to be someone. What I mean is, they're trying to emulate an ideal. The "perfectly put together business woman." And if you're trying to be someone else, that's not confidence. I feel like obsession with trendiness kind of points to low confidence. But I do think those girls exude a sort of fake confidence. It's just full of cracks.

Anyway, my idea here is that I do think I tend to be a confident person. Sure, I have my bad days...but all in all I think I'm pretty neat. I know who I am and there is no way I'll fall for a trend or be molded into someone else by a boy. And I think maybe this hurts me...because I know I'm not a heels and skirt kind of girl, so I wear gym shoes, carry a backpack, I slouch. I'm me. And boys see nothing special there. Confidence cannot be seen, so really, let's be honest, you're first attracted to the looks. I admit an obsession with teeth. Mmmm, teeth. First thing I notice. Then eyes, then nose...then confidence? No.

But I have to say: who's to say that in the end its not the confidence that really keeps the guy there? How can we truly say that that celebrity is being smarmy with that answer (p.s. Sister, who was said celebrity)? Isn't it totally cynical to say that?

And why is being a spinster bad? I'm coming to terms with my spinsterhood and I think that women should reclaim the title. Why does it have such negative connotations? I'm "on the shelf" but I'd rather be there than out in a bar faking confidence in a pair of heels and slutty shirt/skirt combo. If that's how you find a boy in Chicago...no thank you.

Quick and useless...

I have a few little things to say, none all that interesting and most useless. But isn't that what my blog is all about? I think so...

First, I read romance novels as a hobby...and I am always maddened by the eye colors the authors choose. How many green eyed people do you know? Grey? Anyone? And every romance novel has a green eyed vixen and a grey eyed conqueror. This is sort of an ongoing annoyance for me. But what is weird, is that I just saw a grey eyed person on TV. I've never seen this before, ever. And where do I see him? On "Meth:A County in Crisis." On a side note, it is truly horrific what meth is doing to our country and I'm sure it can only get worse....I saw someone get denied cold medicine at the grocery store the other day. I can't help but wonder why...

Second, you know how bridges have a height restriction written on them? Saw a truck wedged under a bridge yesterday. Basically it was completely underneath, with the top totally scraping off. Really strange thing to see. My thought: how in hell are they going to get that truck out??

And lastly, my medicine cabinet is a success (well, mostly). There are a few issues, all involving painters tape. There was a little bleeding onto the wall which I'm trying to brainstorm a way to fix. Also, when I pulled the tape on the front of the cabinet some paint peeled off and there was some bleeding onto the mirror. These are easily fixable with some touch up and a razor. Its just the wall I have to deal with...

I hope you all have a nice week...I've been trying to see what kind of jobs I'm qualified for...and really it looks a little barren right now...

Cuz I'm not who I used to be...

For the first time in what feels like weeks I'm really in a great mood today. I haven't done anything exciting, although I have gotten a lot done. The reason I'm in such a good mood is because for some reason I had this jolt of hope this morning.

One of the reasons I got a tattoo in the first place is that I feel very strongly about having hope. I think in some ways my hope is the same as others who have faith. But my hope is more about there being some new and good thing out there, something to look forward to, to reach for (and not about having someone "watching out for me"). And I guess for the past month or two, I was lacking in hope. My job is probably the number one drain right now. I think a lot of people would think being chronically single may be the problem, but all of those people are part of a couple. And coupleds think singles are always unhappy alone. Anyway, the other night I was out with a friend and basically he told me it was silly to stay at my job if I'm unhappy...and while it seems like the most logical thing in the world, it was nice for someone to just say it. I don't know what I'll do...where I'll go from here.

But no matter what I do, I'm just happy and hopeful about everything right now.

In other news, although obtained illegally, the new Death Cab album is amazing. So excited to see them in October. And don't worry, I'll buy the album when it comes out officially. I'm no thief...

I am 200 today...

Happy 200th post! No shit. In just a few days I'll be a year old as well. Crazy. Maybe I should celebrate 1 yr with a new look....we'll see how the bathroom painting goes...maybe if i have extra time this weekend I'll fiddle with my template.

Only one thing of any worth to say: saw a racoon on an "L" platform. Maybe this wouldn't be weird at the Fullerton stop, but the racoon was in the heart of the loop. It was a double take moment.

My only other thought is: Bed. Oh and half day tomorrow.

Another sick day down...

So I used another sick day today. I have 3 left now for four months, so lets hope that I don't get sick. Plus, I know I have to use 1/2 of one of those for a doctor's appointment. I guess I like to horde my sick days just in case I need them for something.

But I guess today counts as really needing them. I slept so lightly and poorly last night that I woke up in a daze. Then I was not enjoying my time in the bathroom too much, and I was just exhausted. I showered, I spent more time in the bathroom and then I decided I just couldn't go to work.

To be honest, I felt better around lunch time so I again feel totally guilty about taking the day off. Although I do feel rejuvenated. Maybe I can make it the next 4 months with only taking my Disney Vacation and that one half day.

Anyway, the rejuvenation had a little to do with my new shoes. How lucky is it that I got the shipment on the day I was home? Plus, I won $25 in a scratchoff. Here's how it works: I buy a scratchoff once every few weeks. A week or two ago I won $2. I only cashed it yesterday. I used the $2 to buy another scratchoff and forgot I had it. Remembered as I was laying on the couch bored, scratched off and boom, $25. Nice, huh?

Ugha-bugga....

Monday is the day for bad moods and bitchery. So without any other explanation:

1. The new Sheryl Crow song truly irks me. Not only do I hate it, but I believe it has the worst, most inane song lyric ever written: "Good is good and bad is bad." And there are some poor lyrics out there. But even "I like big butts and I cannot lie" is more intelligent. I hate that Sheryl Crow song and they play is like 900 times a day on 101.9 (my work music).
2. You know those ads for Dove's new firming thing? No, those girls aren't fat. I HATE when people say they are. Those girls are normal. And today one of the heaviest girls at work was making fun of them. She is much heavier than they are and yet she was being all catty about how fat they are. If I had less control over myself I would have said something really bitchy. Not only was she bitchy about the "normal" girls, she was also a hypocrite.
   
3. Forgetting all of my neutral bras at home (yes Janet, I too managed this) after bumming free laundry really sucked. A lot of my work clothes require the neutral.

On a better note, the weather today was glorious. Where is fall? Screw you summer, go away.

Also, for any of you out there at the correct distance save the date: October 29, pumpkin carving party in Geneva.

Oh my Sunday...

A lot of people spent this beautiful day watching airplanes roll around the sky or boats zoom through the water. I attempted a "household improvement." And really, at this point attempt is the correct verb.

The medicine cabinet in my bathroom was fairly hideous. It was a fake wood that was chipping and rather used looking. It clearly needed help. So I chose to paint the thing black. I seriously lack precision and/or cleanliness so right now, the bathroom is a disaster. But the medicine cabinet is promising. And there is only paint on my hands, the drop cloth and the cabinet. That is a serious victory.

I have a few problems though. Right now, all the painting paraphernalia is blocking my access to the toilet. But really, the biggest problem is that this is clearly a two coat/two day project and I started on a Sunday. So for the next week not only does the cabinet look fairly bad (although even in its streaky ugliness it is better looking than the original) but I have to keep the paint crap everywhere and deal with an empty unusable cabinet. Here's hoping no one comes over and wishes to use the bathroom.

I'm also stuck with the paranoia that some small bit of paint has stuck to my body and is now staining my beautiful couch.

Totally unrelated: I crave fall. Crisp air, red leaves, the whole deal. Summer has really taken advantage of us this year - far too hot.

Avoidance...

The blogosphere is populated by millions of political blogs. I think I read maybe 3 blogs that tend towards political. I guess I just try to avoid writing about it, although its always interesting to read people and their crazy belief they are right. Generally my opinions fall in line with my sister's so why repeat it all? Plus, it is not something I closely follow.

I just finished watching Hotel Rwanda. It was fairly depressing and at the same time, a movie about hope. And I was really quite shamed by it. When that whole tragedy was happening our country and the other "western" countries just ignored it. And I couldn't help but think, if I had been a little older when that happened, would I have been aware? Or like the movie said, would I have just said, oh that's too bad and went back to eating my dinner. I keep making the mental comparison to what we're doing now in Iraq. It makes me mentally splutter (is that a word?). I'm just boggled. Seems like we shouldn't have to justify why we're at war, it should be cut and dry. A million people are victims of genocide, where were we? Our president implies (doesn't prove, implies) there are dangerous weapons and a connection to an American tragedy and the country gets behind a war? It's mentally frustrating.

And while we're on the topic of frustrating, how in hell do you rate a movie on a system of 5 stars that is totally depressing, hopeful, brilliantly done and yet not a multiple watcher?

Oh cheeserific...

I feel really full of cheese today. Without actually eating any. I don't know why but I love cheesy stuff.

1. Brat camp. I love the way they're saving these kids. Ok, so I don't actually believe they're being saved. But I think it's probably helping a tiny bit.
2. Romance novels. I'm not even going to explain this. They are wonderfully unrealistically sappy about love. Maybe I'm a cynic, but love does not exist in the real world the way it does in romance novels. And I eat it up.
   
3. Disney World. How excited am I?

That doesn't really seem like that much does it? Ok, but getting all of it at once made me feel overwhelmed with the corniness of it all. I was watching Brat Camp, reading a romance novel when my Mooj called to tell me about the Disney tickets. A bit much, yeah?

I'm in a good mood. I am finally being given a little bit of trust and responsibility at work which is all I ever wanted. To be treated like an adult. Although, I still don't know if this is my life's passion. To be honest, I don't think I have very much ambition in life. I don't know, my sister likes to categorize me with people who do have ambition. I think she's missing one valid thing here: just because I have a boring business job does not make me ambitious. In fact, doesn't that mean I've fairly settled?

My latest dream job is to be a conservationist at an art museum. Wouldn't that kick ass? You know how much school that would require? Too much.

Oh, and welcome back Katy!

Super glue...

Something the jerk at the Coldplay concert said has stuck with me. Really stuck. He didn't think I was old enough to have graduated college. Ok, people tell me I look young all the time, but all of the sudden this thought struck: if everyone thinks I'm so young, how will I ever meet a boy?

Old ladies are always like: oh dear, you'll appreciate it someday. Even middle-aged people always comment on how much I'll love it. But, if it forces me into spinsterhood, what kind of gift is that??

Honorary cheesehead...

Happy Sunday.

Coldplay was last night at Alpine Valley. Our seats were really choice - clear view of everything even though I'm so short. All in all, I truly enjoyed the concert. There were a few small glitches...first, I think the band may have a "rock star" complex. At the very beginning of the show the lights were dimmed and then we listened to piped in music for another few minutes. Then the lights completely went out and again, more piped in music (and watching some fog machines sporadically fill the stage with fog). Why make us wait? Honestly, come out on stage when you turn out the lights or leave them on.

The second problem was no fault of Coldplay but of the ugliness of concert crowds. There was the guy sitting next to my mom who was very chatty and clearly loved himself and the amount of money he made. He told me I was a "lucky, lucky girl" because he couldn't afford tickets like these until after he graduated college and started making boatloads of money. At which point I pointed out that I too have graduated. He looked a little put-out, and then said, well, I still had to make lots of money before I could sit here; he also mentioned something about comparing W-2s. True Idiot. And then there was the volume at which the crowd sang along. I think this is a hazard at a "soft rock" concert. I'm sure at other concerts I've been to everyone is singing along with just as much volume, only in this case you could hear it. Annoying.

Anyway, the band clearly knows how to entertain and everything sounded really great. Chris Martin is sort of a gangly geek with ADD. Really interesting hi-jinks on the stage. I believe his "rocking" at his piano contributed to a rather graphic sex dream I had last night. It was almost like watching him having sex with his piano. A little weird, a little OK.

In other news, I spent exactly $50 on gas this weekend. That's hideous and I think I would be poor if I drove too much.

And the triangle becomes a square...

In honor of my sister's "lame" confessions (which to be honest, weren't very lame) I've decided to make my own. I tend to be a lame person so there may be quite a few.

First, there's the obvious: Dawson's Creek. I've been Tivo'ing the whole series. The last episode is on as we speak. I came in at the end of high school, so I still have a few more seasons to go. Anyway, the lame part is that I love this show. As I'm watching Jen slowly, slowly die I can't help but cry exactly when the show tells me to. Oh Pacey...

And then of course, like my sister there's Disney world. No I'm not going twice in one year, but for the last six years I've been 5 times (this was a quick calculation, it might be wrong). And I'm excited to go. It never ceases to make me happy, Disney World. And to those that don't appreciate it, you obviously are older, and stodgier than me. Which is hard to accomplish.

Of course, there's my love of my cats. Truly my little family here, the three of us. That's lame, eh?

And my last is only a tidge lame. There's this boy. I see him on the "L", my platform or train car at least once a week if not every day. He's mostly unremarkable. Kind of a cross between Paul Bettany and that guy from the movie with all the rats (but I swear he's attractive). He's always reading (and was seen with the newest Harry Potter) and he's always wearing the same outfit (sandals, plain t-shirt, shorts). I have little daydreams about this kid every day on the L. And then forget about him until the next day. He's like the muse of my morning L daydreams. How boring my morning is going to be once my hours change. But then again, I'm sure there will be another muse...

And in the process I realized that Paul Bettany may be my ideal. Is that weird?

Hiya...

Last night I had dreams of England. Weird dreams. The toilet was in the closet, the shower folded down from a shelf above the stove and my friend Katy's boyfriend was supervising the renovations. Clearly he made some poor choices...

I wanted to quick welcome Janet back to the world of blogging, you were sorely missed. I changed the picture to my cat in the hopes that you would post a picture of your new pet...also email me your address. And now if only I could welcome back Alex and Katy...

And to S...thanks for all the wonderful pictures. We're lucky to have you around. Oooh, too cheesy, too cheesy.

With that I'm to bed...

Soupy air...

On a daily basis my feelings about this city run from pure hatred to doe-eyed adoration. Today was one of those days where I truly felt both extremes.

At the one end was the putrid, soupy, thick air. When it gets this hot, the city shows its true colors...or really true odors. The weirdest thing about it is that I swear there are little clouds of bad smell just lurking at every corner. Unpredictable and really only lasting just a second...and yet long enough to be cruel and make you scrunch your nose.

On the other hand, I saw the most beautiful spiders web today. That doesn't seem like something to make me love the city, but the way the sun was glinting, and the web was in front of one of my favorite brownstones...it was just pure, beautiful city.

I feel like I've been really, really negative lately and I'm aware that I need to try to change that. I'll try to limit my ranty, complainy blogs to a few a month. I have exciting stuff coming up...so I hope that will help a smidge. Even little things are exciting me, like the purchase of some shelves and the acquisition of a hand vac for the little puffs of cat hair that materialize every day.

To my every increasingly distant friends, I vow to start real mail this week. I don't think I've sent anyone anything for at least a month and that is really awful. Need addresses though...

Who I am...

I cannot figure out how to start this post even though I know exactly what I want to say. Yesterday, Scott had a gallery opening on the northside. The bar/gallery (Leadway) was really pretty great. What a gem...I wonder how people find these places. All in all I had a fun day spending time with my friends and sister/her boyfriend. Scott's art is the kind of art I could picture above my mantle, I really enjoyed it. All around a good time.

And then it went downhill. I went to an actual bar. The Leadway was low-key and spacey. Wasn't too smoky or noisy. Really a great atmosphere. The Lincoln Station was like a meat market. Impossible to hear, really drunk people everywhere, smoke clouds and a crush to walk anywhere. I truly hated it. I find no value in that second bar. I couldn't hear what anyone was saying unless we were yelling/leaning in. There was a girl passed out on the floor in the bathroom. I watched some guy stumble and fall on every step he took because he was so drunk. What is the point? Someone, explain, why do you enjoy being in a place like that? I guess the only way to enjoy that is to get plastered yourself and I really don't have the desire to do that anymore.

I love my friends, I really am lucky that I managed to keep in touch with all these girls. But sometimes I don't think they really understand me. I get the feeling they secretly think I'm a "loser." I'm just so tired of defending my opinion/feelings on bars to my friends. I frequently am harassed to change my mind. I have tried. I'm not just making this dislike up because I'd rather sit on my couch. Let's go to dinner, a movie, a quiet intimate sort of bar, a museum, a play, anything but to a "real" bar. I just don't like it and I quit.

And maybe that makes me a loser. But I'd rather sit on my couch reading a good book than go to that bar again. Although to be honest, they really do have great food (I've eaten there for lunch) so I probably will go again during the day/evening. But you get my point!

Grumble....

So I just had to swelter on the Red Line because the brown/purple lines lost power for a huge chunk of their stations. I don't know how or why...but it was too hot to be screwing around with switching trains and I'm crabby.

For those of you who are following my work issues, I was called in to see the VP today. I've figured out that my major source of pain and horribleness at this job is simply office politics. I don't know if I have it in me to play and there is not one single job out there that doesn't have them. I got reprimanded for improperly wording my time off request (for a 1/2 day off, not for the Disney vacation in November- I worded that one OK). Doesn't it seem silly to care about how I asked for the time off? I didn't say, YO BITCH, I'm not coming in this day. I asked them to mark me down for a day. Apparently I should have asked them to approve me. It's such crap, it's all about stroking egos.

Anyway, I also found out that my underwriter totally portrayed me as a whiner. We had that whole conversation about how I understood I needed to be told I made a mistake but I didn't feel the method was good. She tells the VP I feel like I'm being picked on. Which is so NOT the case. I know I need to learn this stuff and be criticized - just not when my underwriter basically tells me I'm stupid. Never mind...it's such a subtle distinction and so hard to explain, but I know she made it sound like I can't handle any criticism at all. When really, I just can't handle her negativity. In the end I came out looking like an asshole because I didn't go to the VP and whine. I guess that should teach me a lesson. The whole point of the conversation with the VP was again to speed me along and the VP has finally realized that my underwriter clearly is resistant to the idea. I'm going to be working with her more now. Which is really worth being called a whiner and whatever else. So I'm sticking it out. At least through November (for Disney!)....and really, if i'm still there in November, I might as well see what kind of bonus/raise I get, right???

So no more work bitching for the moment. I feel a little more satisfied...

Festival o' meat...

Ok, no this does not have anything to do with penises. I'm talking brazilian style Fogo de Chao meat. It was delicious, a nice dinner was had by all. I did manage to stain my dry clean only pants with a flying sausage, but it's OK because my cat had some olfactory pleasure upon my return.

I wanted to make a quick comment about the horrible, angry pimple on my chin. Like my sister says, it's a beacon. I get maybe one really ugly pimple every 3-4 months, and it's just lovely that it's here now. Not that I have anything exciting to do and I plan for it to be gone by Saturday for Scott's show....if it's not I'm going to be like Angela in that one My So-Called Life episode where she plays with/covers her chin/pimple all episode. That's exactly how i feel right now.

I totally forget my other idea for a post. Oh well. I'm off....Miami Ink tonight, you should try to catch it...

Windy, windy girl...

I am currently in the process of filing a food spoilage claim for my great blackout of 2005. Who wants to wager on the outcome? I am guessing I get exactly $0 and in fact lose the cost of the stamp.

For some reason my mind is on Christmas. The book I'm reading is celebrating Christmas, Dawson's Creek was a Christmas episode today, I just bought my sister a birthday/christmas present, I already have all these things in the works for other christmas presents...I'm just feeling Christmas spirit. In August. Maybe I should think about Halloween instead...

I've been thinking a lot about my job. It's pretty much constant at the front of my mind. A piece of me is afraid that I'm a quitter because I really feel like moving on. You know, like I'm give up once the going gets tough. But another part of me realizes that the going is getting tough due to something I cannot change: the people. I went through a mental list of all the jobs I've had in the past. My happiness at said jobs rose and fell with the people. I'm stuck at this horrible mental crossroads: see this through to the end or try for something new and hope for happy. I am not unhappy, but I'm not happy with the job. And there is no guarantee that the next job will be better. It could be worse: boring job and horrible people. But it could also be better. I don't know what I'll do...

And to those boys who did not have girls flirting, I think you missed a subtle but important point: getting your blog out there. I mean, sure you're writing, but you're not in all kinds of rings and lists of blogs, you know?

Anyway, I'm bored with my writing, so I pity you.