Actually here...

Sorry for my short absence...I've been writing blog posts by the swarm...I just haven't actually written any of them. I've been reconsidering a lot lately and that tends to breed horrible meandering blog posts that no one cares about.

I'm reading Atonement and enjoying it immensely (score two for Time 100. The first score was Never Let Me Go). It occurred to me that I have too much in common with Briony. And it is unsettling. I am trying to find a way to get out of my head/stop over-thinking/over-imagining everything. I have no idea how to achieve this. At all. So I'm thinking of participating in the blog every day in March thing like my sister...so sister, I'll do it if you will? Maybe making lists will help me stop thinking about myself.

meep moop meep

Happy Sunday.

To answer some comment questions:

I was thinking about dowries because I was thinking about trousseaux. I just learned that that is the plural of trousseau. Learn something everyday. Anyway, I was thinking about trousseaux because my huge knit afghan (reaching completion!!) would be a brilliant addition to a trousseau. At which point I decided that if I ever get married, I think I will create a modern-day trousseaux (mostly full of lingerie). Then, of course, I jumped to modern-day dowries. And dowry explained.

Would I want a man who wanted my dowry? Possibly. The only issue would be the cases of wine as I don't really drink much and I don't want to marry a lush. Other than that, I think a guy who likes guitars, games, golf, dogs...might be an OK match.

And, yes, a wii would be a delightful addition to a dowry. Or to my household right now.

I'm not sure of what I see...

My sister told me yesterday that she feels like the world is telling me to get a robot tattoo. This after I went to this website and Barack Obama built me a robot. Apparently this was strange since she clicked a dozen times and never got a robot. So Barack Obama wants me to get a robot tattoo. And just now, when I was finding that link, he thinks I'm cute. I feel like using the word kismet here.

I've been thinking long and hard about the failure of the experiment and today I had an epiphany. My cookie maker was dying. So I bought some batteries, and whiz, bang, I think that might explain things. I also want to note that I think I might have been in a mid-winter slump. I think there were things adding to the weather causing glumness...but I think I have crested the slump. I will be trying the experiment again - but this time I'll be "eating cookies" 5 times a week. I'm thinking April. Or should I just go ahead with March?

And, in a moment of craziness, I found myself thinking what my modern day dowry would be. Let's say that tradition was still around...what would my dad bribe some guy with to get me hitched? Here's the list I quickly created:

1. In lieu of goats, livestock, etc, one little gray schnauzer.
   
2. Cases of wine
3. A pinball machine
4. A guitar or two
5. Some golf clubs

That list solely comprised of things my dad has in abundance. Besides piles of cash. I think that dowry might make me a pretty desirable catch...

Why should we be concerned about the truth?

I started a blog post right when I got home from work, but it was crap. So instead I'm going to talk about nothing. And you're going to like it. But I'll keep the original blog title.

For the past few days (maybe weeks?) I've been obsessed with robots. I don't know why. I think it all stems from the robot key chain I saw, wanted and was gifted some time in December. Since then I've not only purchased robot valentines (sorry if that ruins things, kids) but I've also vowed to horrify my mother and get a robot tattoo. Horrified, mooj?

I also have been feeling like a pile of lazy lard lately. Motivation to work out and stop eating cheese would be great. I'm just not sure where it's going to come from yet. Anyone?

I'm being bombarded with instances of truth vs. what we want/expect to be truth.

And thus ends this poorly concocted post.

And...

I failed.

I concede Alex.

Here's what happened (or didn't): (Before I explain, can you just imagine quotation marks around everything? I don't feel like trying to quote it all out). I was all set last night, gung ho, ready to prepare and then eat my cookie. I did in fact start the process. And kept at it. And continued. And finally I realized that I was somewhere else entirely and no matter how long I kept trying to eat that damn cookie, I wasn't going to be able to.

The thing is, I thought that once I got over the Wednesday hurdle and managed to eat a cookie, I would be able to conquer anything. I was wrong.

So the experiment? Over for now on this blog. I may need to reconsider. Here's what I learned:

• I don't think it put me in a better mood. If anything, it made me more tired (however, that could also be attributed to the never-ending winter).
  
• I did have a bit more cookie on the brain than usual.
• And sort of building off of that, I suddenly found myself thinking dreamily of spooning with someone. That's not like me. I'll blame it on the cookies.

I may need to modify the experiment (every other day? 5 times a week?).

Sorry Al.

Day 7...

First, let me just state that I pulled through and did not ruin the experiment last night. And, as a point of interest, that was the best cookie I have eaten yet in February. But I was at a place for a while yesterday where my main thought was "screw the experiment." If I manage to eat a cookie every day in February I will be shocked. At this point, I just have this stupid competitive drive that makes me:

1. Not want to give up.
2. Not want to quit before Alex quits.

So I'm hanging in there....

Adjectives...

Morning: tranquil
Afternoon: middle-of-the-road
Evening: tranquil

Day 6...

Adjectives...

Morning: Numb (I don't remember this morning, I was so tired)
Afternoon: Persnickety
Evening: Unbridled exhaustion...

Right now, the idea of "eating a cookie" is so unappetizing that I have no idea how I'm going to do it. February is looking longer every day.

Day 5 + book quest...

Adjectives...

Morning: bitter (slight headache again!)
Afternoon: occupied
Evening: sluggish

Last night I finished another book quest novel, The Crying of Lot 49. My summary:

• I do not like Thomas Pynchon. Which means that reading this book might just be the final death knell on Gravity's Rainbow.
• Some "literary fiction" is crap.
  
• I learned nothing.

That being said, I didn't hate it but I certainly didn't like it. My review: it was OK. Unless you're on a quest or you liked Gravity's Rainbow (if you do, please explain how that is possible), don't read it. 52 read, 70 to go...Atonement next.

Day 4...

Adjectives...

Morning: ravaged (wishing a different rav* word started my day)
Afternoon: ordinary
Evening: searching

Has someone ever said something to you that is mostly innocent at the time and you don't think anything of it...and then some time later it's suddenly "WAIT. That's not true/I don't want that to be true/is that true"? Yeah. It's been that day, where I am rehashing all those innocent bits.

As a side note, you should vote tomorrow if you have a primary in your state. I don't care who you vote for, although some of the reasons for voting for your candidate infuriate me. Examples: Hilary because she's a woman. Hilary, because of her experience (PAH, being the first lady IS NOT experience. No matter how you want to twist it). Or voting along party lines just to stick to your party.

Fingers crossed tomorrow for Obama.

Day 3...

Adjectives...

Morning: resigned
Afternoon: neutral.
Evening: crazy mixture of happy, anxious and annoyed.

Day 2...

Adjectives...

Morning: chipper
Afternoon: chipper
Evening: chipper (but with a bit of tired mixed in)

The chipper probably has nothing to do with the experiment, I just slept well last night.

Day 1...

Day 1 adjectives...

Morning: urgh. (not really an adjective, but I woke up with a splitting headache)
Afternoon: passive.
Evening: listless.

I feel like this isn't the best start to my experiment. Today was a little weird (snow day, didn't trek to work) and yesterday was weird (sick day) and so I'm starting the experiment in a different mind set than usual (how often do I get four day weekends?).

Sometimes I can't be bothered...

I found out yesterday that there is going to be some remodeling done in my apartment in the middle to end of February. In order to start 2008 with full annoyance and apartment inconvenience my landlord is remodeling the bathroom and the kitchen. Apparently this is mostly about tile (at least in the kitchen) and some major upgrades in the bathroom (more light, possible new sink and toilet, more tile/upgraded tile, a new medicine cabinet). The only issue I have with any of this is that I know these workers and if I end up with a working toilet each night I'll be shocked. Shocked. I'm not sure what I'll do if I can't use a toilet - watch out, I'm about to ask you if I can stay with you. And, I painted my medicine cabinet and feel quite attached to it. If I get more fake wood in that bathroom, I'm going to have to pull out some more black paint. So that could provide some February drama.

February 1 on Friday. Check in to see how grumpy I am each morning, afternoon and night.

And in My So-Called Life news, I'm currently watching the boiler room/hand holding episode. I predict that in about 40 minutes I'm going to want a boyfriend for the first time in 10 years. Or, for the first time since I last watched this episode.

Go now, go...

Instead of trying to find something watchable on TV, I've been watching a lot of DVD's...movies and TV. Yesterday I started watching My So-Called Life again. And damn that show was good. It came out 14 years ago (14!)...I was 12. I watched it while it was on TV and when it got canceled I wrote an angry email to the station. I know people make bad decisions about TV at 12, but I stick with that decision. I love this show.

I've already gotten through all six seasons of Sex and the City...and I think next up I'll rewatch Freaks and Geeks. I just need to borrow it again...

Favorite quote:

Sometimes it seems like we're all living in some kind of prison, and the crime is how much we all hate ourselves. It's good to get really dressed up once in a while and admit the truth -- that when you really look closely, people are so strange and so complicated that they're actually beautiful. Possibly even me.

Drinking lessons...

I have found, over many years of sporadic drinking, that sometimes, no matter how much you want it, it is impossible to get drunk. Through what seems like no fault of your own, the drunk buzz? Never happens.

One drink and two strong martinis later...I was still sober. Maybe a little more honest and noisy than usual, but sober (a final piece of honesty...I didn't give up my post-game JT). This is the third time I've experienced this:

1. Sometime in college (junior year?) I was at a party, drinking half a tray (for real) of jello shots that were full of everclear. And I was sober.
2. Last year - I hate to say it - but at my friends bachelorette party. You know, I did hit drunk, but for like...10 minutes. And then I was back to normal.
3. And tonight.

There is very little that is similar between the events. Possibly my desire to get drunk was high? And I promise, it's not that I'm drunk but I'm so stupid that I think I'm not. No. I really can talk normally, walk normally, do everything the same old sober way....

I wish this wouldn't happen.

As a side note (and somehow a corollary), I found myself wondering the extent to which I allow other people to impact my world view.

And as another side note, I find the no smoking in bars thing AMAZING.

And, assuming there are two sides to each blog post, as a bottom note (it fits), what do you think would happen if JT got a big old b0ner during his concert? You think he's wearing a cup?

Happy Birthday Al! I'm sorry I couldn't get ripped with you tonight....