Only in dreams...

My sleeping patterns have been really strange over the past month. I've found myself waking a lot in the middle of the night. And having issues falling back asleep. I've also been having the most realistic and vivid dreams I've ever had. Two in particular which haunted me the next day.

The first was a few weeks ago and in it I was pregnant. I know most women have pregnant dreams...and I also know there is no way I could be pregnant. But I woke up feeling pregnant. And I continually found myself thinking back to that dream. And while I don't have any idea what it feels like to be pregnant, it sure felt real...that dream was creepy.

And then last night...last night was intense. It was a fight...a fight that exploded into a kiss. The jealousy was uncomfortable, the anger releasing, the hatred righteous and the lust strong. It was quite tasty in general. And all those feelings are still sitting in my belly...it was so realistic that I feel the fall-out the next day.

This is all interesting to me in a dozen ways. And I have theories as to why my sleep patterns have changed...and why I had a baby with no father....and why I had that explosive kiss with a particular person. And for 2008 I want those theories to no longer be possibilities. I want them to be fact. Or complete fiction.

2008 will be the year that doesn't suck ass (courtesy of Al).
Or for me, the year of action over analysis.

And done...

So the holidays are over (or do "the holidays" extend through new years day?). Either way, Eve and Day are over...and now it's time to be totally lazy.

My holidays were lovely. Laid back, hilarious (my extended family in general - here's a direct quote: "he looks like someone has been pinching his penis for two years". That from someone who is a grandma. Also, my family + Rock Band = insanity) and I am always reminded of how amazing and lovable most of my family is. Yes, most. And this holiday, I also was lucky enough to be reminded of how great my friends are (although this weekend and New Years will truly cement that). I hope yours were just as successful.

My day in brief:

• Presents
• Delicious food
• Rock Band
• Games
• Car packing
• Dead wolf
  
• Man on the moon
• City skyline
• Car unpacking
• home

Maybe if you're lucky, you all will benefit from a picture, posted here later, of myself on the Rock Band drum kit. Likely with look of concentration, frustration or mouth hanging open staring at the screen.

Happy holidays...

Santa...you da man...

Last night, the family and I attended Welcome, Yule! You have to say that all excitedly...really pronounce that exclamation mark. Basically it's a Christmas song extravaganza involving a chorus, a children's chorus, dancers, Santa, a dancing Rudolph and, less ostensibly, the Chicago Symphony Orchestra.

I've been meaning to build some Christmas cheer that doesn't involve cookies and was hoping this would be the occasion. Not sure why I thought that since I don't really have any love for Christmas music. I don't listen to it on the radio, I groan when the Mom or sister has it on...I just don't like it. I have a few soft spots. I really like Carol of the Bells. And the Charlie Brown song, Chrismas Time is Here (ok, the whole Charlie Brown Christmas CD). And I frequently get an NSync Christmas song stuck in my head.

Should I be embarrassed for that? Maybe. But the reason I get it stuck has nothing to do with owning an NSync Christmas CD and everything to do with this:

I really should be embarrassed that I just wikipedia'd NSync to figure out where exactly the apostrophe/* is supposed to go (*NSync). Either way, this little ornament plays a Christmas song. I believe the ornament was bought in jest - however, I did like NSync in my youth (or, more truthfully, I always liked Justin Timberlake...or, more truthfully, I always wanted to do Justin Timberlake). And I received an average of 3 ornaments a year for as long as I can remember. So my tree is littered with Pluto, Lion King, cats, dogs, fish...and in my old age, more sparkly, grown up ornaments.

Wow. I absolutely got off subject there. I don't know where I was going with this post. Maybe I have more Christmas cheer? It still doesn't feel like Christmas yet - maybe today when I ribbon up all my packages. Or eat another box of Jingles.

Either way - Happy Holidays all.

A conversation...

Man on the sidewalk: Do you need a strong man?

Me: . . . . . .

Me (interior): Yes, I do. But you, sir, are not that man.

And I mean, clearly he wasn't serious about his offer - he kept right on walking.

Crack o' dawn...

So I'm up at the crack of dawn, to see my friend "maybe I'm jewish" Janet off to her residency interview. I haven't updated this piece o' crap for quite some time. The lull after NaBloPoMo or post-kitchen lackadaisicalness? You be the judge (and yes, I did pull out a big word at 7am. I'll go ahead and pat myself on the back).

Here's what's been happening:

• I did, in fact, step all over the wet varnishy kitchen floor. I was pissed and horribly, rottenly entitled. On the first two steps my shoe stuck and the third step I slid in a pool of varnish...and then I panicked, grabbed a fork and back tracked. I didn't ruin the floor all that badly. The one spot that is noticeable is actually a sock mark at the very edge - from where I had to lean to use the microwave.
  
• I finished some baby socks and gave them away (pictures at the end of the post). I was also commanded to start making those socks for my friend's unborn babies. That she isn't going to start having until she is 30. Which is 5 years away. What she doesn't realize is that those tiny little socks are a pain in the ass to make and she'll be lucky if she gets one pair.
• Lot of emailing to Canada. Then a phone call to the burbs. Welcome back to Chicagoland Al.
• Christmas shopping and the like...
• Figuring out what my chances are to hit it on New Years (I'm going to go with...7 to 1. And by hit it, I mean something tame like...make out). Apparently I'm going to be forced into a shopping trip with "baby sock commander" friend where I will be forced to try on humiliating hootchie shirts so that I can show off the ample cleavage. But like "maybe I'm jewish" friend states: they're there - it's not like anyone is going to miss them. Why sluttify myself? Let's struggle with that one shall we? Because apparently I would have a better chance with men if I wore tighter clothes (courtesy of "baby sock commander" and husband). But what they don't understand is - I don't want to be that girl. If you only like me because my shirt is tight and my boobs are large then fuck off.
  

See? Boring. What does it matter if I post if when I do there's not much to say....

You have got to be kidding...

It is with shock and amazement that I write this post. Not whining. It is just...incredible.

Last night I ate dinner away from home (no kitchen). We specifically ordered in enough food that I would have leftovers that I could put in the microwave (in my living room) and eat tonight. If for some reason there was an issue (like..oh, I don't know...I forgot to borrow a microwave safe plate? Which I did, in fact, forget), my back up plan was to eat some salad out of a pot. I had access to pots, silverware and my microwave.

But right now? I have access to none of the above. Just my fridge. My kitchen is back together. The pots, microwave, drawers - all back in/on the cabinets. And it looks like right after they put it back together? They varnished the floors again.

I honestly cannot make this stuff up. I have food, but nothing to heat it on, no microwave to heat it and no utensils to eat it with.

If I was a less lazy person I'd go get food. But I think I may just step on that floor.

The temperature is dropping and it feels like...

I walked home from the gym with stars in my eyes because the snow was so delightful. Falling silently, thickly...and at one point, even getting so deep as to crunch under foot. I was super content.

Then I got home and ate cookies for dinner.

Because this is the kitchen:


It's an empty shell. It has a beautiful new floor (I mean, I love that floor. Almost as much as I love a rounded doorway. Apparently I have a passion for parquet). A beautiful new floor that will likely be ruined because they never found the source of the water. Anyway, a whole cabinet is missing, the stove, the fridge, the sink. All gone. Only one of the items was relocated to the foyer:

You should all enlarge that picture and look at the items on my fridge. Particularly the hot shot of Justin Timberlake. The contents of the other cabinets? On the table and on the floor behind that picture. It's a disaster here. If I have all my glasses, silverware, plates after this whole thing I'll be shocked. Because the dishwasher disappeared while it still had a clean load of dishes in it. So, I have access to my fridge. But...no plates. The plates are still in the wall cabinets. And I have no access to my pantry. I'm food less.

It's interesting living here. In a mostly negative way. I want out.

Anyway, I still sort of have snowflakes on the mind and my good mood...not really ruined which is super surprising.

The presence and absence of...

Quite a while ago, I had a very interesting conversation with a friend about hope. She wasn't in the best place or mood...and she was wondering if hope was a good idea at all. Because in her mindset - doesn't hope just lead to disappointment? If you hope and hope for something, and then you don't get it...well, isn't that worse than never hoping at all?

My response was that her approach required the death of hope - only when you give up hope will you see the disappointment (in other words, you won't notice that you haven't gotten what you want until you stop hoping for that thing).

I've been thinking about it more...and I think my hope is a general kind of hope - which makes it possible to imagine that my hope will never die. I don't hope for a certain boyfriend or even really a boyfriend or for a moment where birds sing, the sun beams down, eyes meet, he twirls me around. That's silly. I hope in more general terms. I hope to meet people, to find love, to love myself. And, if the love thing never happens for me, to be happy single. My hope isn't mutually exclusive.

I was thinking about hope yesterday because I did a silly and hopeful thing: I clipped a coupon for something no single girl would need. In the hopes that I might need it before it expires....

Last dance...

I've made it through NaBloPoMo. And truly, the shit only hit the fan towards the end. I nearly managed to squeak out a full month of non-whining. I vow to keep up the upbeat nature....starting tomorrow. But first I just need to throw it out there that my cable isn't working (no channels. Not even your basic shit). I therefore may need some entertaining this weekend. Anyone want to volunteer? Or, maybe I should throw out there....anyone new and exciting want to volunteer? The cable breaks every year because they have some seriously janky wiring outside (are you surprised?). I'll probably end up breaking my tightly crafted budget to fix it (there's supposedly some work in my area. I'm doubtful).

Other than that I am "chipper" today. I turned off the bad attitude and feel much better. Spinning forward if you will....

So are you all going to miss me when I go back to posting irregularly? No? Didn't think so.

I just want you to know that if I had any photographic skill at all, I'd be posting everyday in December. Maybe the sister can convince her superbly gifted bf to take pictures of advent legoland everyday...

Forward spin...

I'm having a rough time being positive today. I fall into this horrible trap of self-pity and then suddenly I've convinced myself that my life is a bleak tundra of nothingness. I woke up cranky, I got to work and had a long email chain of frustration with someone who just was not listening to me and I just couldn't stop the spiral. I started off the morning with the knowledge that my apartment was a curse and my paper cut was making life difficult and ended it with the thought that I had nobody.

It's all silly and I know it's silly, but damned if I don't get bogged down in it. It's sort of like hypochondria of life - I'm grumpy and unhappy today, so it clearly follows that my life must be shit. Stupid.

I decided today that my mood is all about spin. How can you spin that thing that just happened? Was it funny? An insult to you? Just something that happened? Proof that people suck? Or just a part of humanity that you should be patient with? And today I clearly lacked the ability to spin anyway but backwards. My email chain was not only a personal insult but also proof that people are stupid. Most days it would have just been another bump in my day and silly how easily we all misunderstand each other...

So that's where I am today. Spinning backwards. Tomorrow I have fingers crossed for either stand still or spinning forwards....

In which I break my own contract...

I said that I wasn't going to complain over the course of NaBloPoMo. And I think I've managed it so far. But I am having some seriously bad luck with my apartment and it's really hard not to bitch about it. Especially right now. I just got home to the smelliest apartment in the world. It smells like a dirty fish tank and death all rolled in a smelly foot. It's so strong its palpable. And that smell? Wafting up from the bare, soggy floor - which after they pulled up the parquet looks like a dirty, muddy collage of old, rotty tile (and a layer of oilcloth - which is some old shit). I can't believe my apartment didn't smell throughout this whole mess. I wish you could take a picture of smell. It is SO BAD I sort of feel like vomiting. My sense of smell has been causing me much pain lately.

Tomorrow or next week (those maintenance men are slippery, I have no idea when this is going on) they are pulling my whole kitchen out. Stove, sink, fridge, everything. I don't even want to imagine what they are going to find. And I don't want to imagine where they are going to put the stuff, this is not a large apartment. I might just start crying out of frustration and anxiety.

I told my sister that this has been the year of justifying my fears. I have never stepped on grates/manholes. Justified this year (not my story to tell, but just take my word for it). I don't like deep water (I don't much like water of any kind, except for of the shower variety)....and now water is proving to be the curse of this apartment. Water that ruins the walls. That overflows from my upstairs neighbors bathtub. That is leaking from parts unknown to cause bubbling tiles, fish tank smell, my cat to act like she's high (she's eating an ornament cord like it's some kind of delicacy) and this...

this disaster...if the smell didn't make me want to yuker all over the place, I'd pick up those pieces of cardboard to show you what lies beneath.


Not sure how I'm going to manage to eat meals here for the next few days. For tonight, I'm getting out of here...

Continuing on...

A friend, Al, asked me how I am qualifying those friendships as unsuccessful. Do friendships that are successful have to last forever? And aren't I always the proponent of letting friendships go? (it is my firm belief that if you question the utility of a friendship, it's probably time to let it go)

This is an excellent question that I have no answer for. Those friendships were proof (to me) that men and women can't JUST be friends. Sure, they can be friends. But I think there's always some sort of frisson of sexual tension/romantic feelings on one end or the other (or both).

A friendship certainly doesn't have to last forever. But I think the end of a friendship sort of shows whether or not that friendship did have staying power (a big blow up fight? A gradual fade out? A proclamation that just being friends isn't enough?).

And in the end, most importantly, they weren't successful in that we didn't fight for them. Maybe because someone couldn't deal anymore. Or because the gleam of lust/love had faded. But either way, one or the both of us let it die - either fade or drop off the face of the earth.

I feel like I need to put it out there that I think those friendships were successful to a point (and some far more than others). They just, weren't successfully platonic. And they weren't successfully continued....

Long and winding post...

So here's the substantive post that I was planning for Friday. I'm not sure where to start, so let's just all accept that this is going to involve rambling and then I won't have to worry about it and I can move on. On Friday (or at some point last weekend) I was supposed to get together with an old friend. It fell through - probably due to equal amounts of busy-ness and reluctance. The planned get-together got me thinking though - about the nature of friendship between female & male.

I believe, in the past if you would have asked me, I would have firmly stood on the side of "men and women can just be friends! I've done it before!". I was silly. And wrong. I doubt the ability to have an entirely platonic relationship between a straight woman and a straight man. I concede that I've had friends, more like acquaintances who were entirely platonic. But here, here I'm talking good friends. Let's stroll down memory lane (I realized earlier, that all of my closest guy friends have had first initials that start with J or R. That's weird yes? Going for last initials here):

C was my bff for a very, very long time. Middle school through parts of high school and stretching a tiny bit into college. We were on again/off again best friends. I still miss him occasionally and dream about him often. In fact, I dreamt of him last night - I greeted him by fluffing his hair and just felt love. Our friendship started with him asking me out. I think I still have the note somewhere - it was the sweetest note ever. I said no. We went on to be friends. We had mutual attraction pretty much throughout our friendship and almost made out more than once. I used to make him hold my hand walking places. I miss C, but there was nothing platonic about that friendship. Not at any point.

Then there was B. Please don't find me conceited...but B desperately loved me. And I loved B, I just wasn't in love with B. Oh god how I tried - I wanted to be in love with him. He was perfect for me. But when you don't want to make out with someone? That's a problem. B and I were inseparable for a long time - probably an entire summer if not more than that. We kept in touch for a while and then it fell off again. We tried to get together and be friends a few years back - but something was lost. I think we'd both changed too much - and our friendship dynamic was impossible to recreate (why would he want to? I mean, unrequited love can't be fun). B once told me that if he had to, he would wait for me forever. Clearly he didn't. I totally have the IM transcript somewhere (yes, that was an IM conversation) and I promise to find it and embarrass self in the future with that conversation.

N was probably one of the friendships where I personally still think it's up in the air whether there was something non-platonic. I think everyone who knew us might sputter and say, um, hello, yes he loved you. But out of all of them, this one was the most platonic. N drove me crazy in a lot of ways - and ultimately our friendship ended after I was forced to spend all day every day with him for over a week. But we had fun and we spent a lot of time just talking. I was friends with N when I was really getting to know myself and I would be different if not for that friendship. He was the one I was supposed to see on Friday. I hope to stay friendly with him for a long time.

And finally W. W wasn't a normal best friend - we were mostly friends due to school and due to our mutual friendship with C. But in the end, that was enough to be close to him. And out of all of them, W was the one that I loved unrequitedly. All of my memories of him are just of us laughing our asses off. We spent a lot of study groups frustrating others with our uselessness and I almost got kicked out of my AP Calculus test because of him (he traced his hand on his test. I laughed out loud. I was chastised and told to look at my own test/be quiet or both of us would get the boot. Just FYI - he did better on that test than I did). I think way back when, I never would have considered him a best friend. But in retrospect, he was. I'd love to see that kid again. And pine for him from afar.

For some reason, I thought all of those friendships were successful. And they were in their own way - I mean, these are people I loved/think of fondly. But it's impossible to keep that kind of thing going - because someone is always suffering in silence and hoping for more. And I think there is a breaking point. Or just a fading point...

After much thought, out of all of my besties, none of us has done it successfully. Not a one.

Love actually is all around...

It's been the loveliest of weekends. Symphony on Friday, friends yesterday, christmas tree today. Chocolate pie, turkey, stuffing, deep dish pizza. It's just been entirely satisfying and delightful. I don't really want it to end.

My apartment feels cleaner. There is a slight (and when I say slight, I am absolutely lying. I mean HUGE) issue in the kitchen involving water leaking from somewhere unknown causing all the parquet tiles to buckle and water to bubble out between the cracks. I believe this is going to result in my landlord pulling out my entire kitchen. Probably next week, possibly Monday. I'm trying not to think about the many disasters that are sure to come. Impending doom.

Let's think about the tree instead, shall we?

And she twinkles...

My post title has nothing to do with this post. But my tree is standing, just needs to be fluffed, decorated and plugged in. All on hold until tomorrow.

Last night I went to the symphony - we saw John Williams conducting some of his movie music (and the theme for the NBC nightly news). I love the symphony. When I have a bit more money, I'll seriously consider trying out one of their varied season ticket offerings. I just love the sound of it all blended together. And there is something chill-inducing about hearing the Star Wars theme live. That is music I grew up to and heard repeatedly. Star Wars was one of our favorite childhood games (I was Bacca to my cousin Bee's Chew. Neither of us wanted to be R2D2 or C3PO, so we shared Chewbacca). My cousin pretending to be Luke with his hand cut off/getting it stuck in his shirt is probably one of my favorite (and only) childhood memories.

I enjoyed all of it. Superman, Raiders of the Lost Ark, Memoirs of a Geisha. It was all good.

I'll be going to the symphony again in a few weeks (Welcome Yule!) and I hope to visit the CSO at least once a year in the future...