I'd like to put this here as a record of an agreement between loml and myself.*

Cat boku loves him and has slowly come to regard me as a second prize. Not as exciting. Runner up. I caught loml trying to convince cat mona to feel the same earlier. This would be devastating to me, mona's one true human love. And so, if loml convinces mona to love him more than she loves me, I get a kitten!

*He didn't technically agree. But come on, this is clearly obvious and logical.

One of the things that has really been hitting home for me in the past year or more is how often something I believe about myself or about my relationships turns out to be not all that true. Sometimes in a good way and sometimes in a bad way. Alright fine, more often in a bad way. It's not that I'm delusional or anything, I just think I'm a sugar-coater sometimes and overly optimistic.

An example from today: I was explaining my relationship with someone to a third party, explaining their life, etc. And I slowly realized that everything I was saying sounded pretty terrible. I don't want to go into specifics here, but it kind of became clear that I have very little in common with this person and that a part of me doesn't respect their choices. A few years ago I probably would have talked myself out of this or come down really hard on myself for not being kind or charitable or empathetic. But today I just thought, wow, our lives really are that different and I really don't know about those choices. And I didn't accuse myself of bitchiness, I just let it sink in that this relationship, like many, might not be what I thought it was of what I want it to be.

Ah realism. Being friends as we get older just gets harder. It's about common threads and there are a billion different threads out there - the probability of finding a match just seems so low. I used to be hard on myself for not having a lot of friends, but at this point, I feel fortunate to have the close friends that I do.

loml's post

I just asked loml what I should write about and he said:

1. how you feel fat
2. women's empowerment

That seems like a weird pairing except those were two of our main topics of conversation today. 

Fat: As I was sitting on the toilet today (I know you want this mental picture) I realized that my pleasantly rounded belly was now more of a roll. And my chin fat, second chin, waddle, whatever your term of choice, is really much bigger than ever before. Because I am much bigger than ever before. I don't like not liking myself, but I just feel heavy. Not even heavy as in fat, heavy as in, I feel like a walking exhausted ball of lead. So I have to do something about this. I don't want to buy new pants again (since I've already bought bigger pants twice in the past year). Time to eat less and get moving.

Empowerment: loml for a while today was obsessed with Sheryl Sandberg, the COO of Facebook. And linked me to this article which includes her TED talk and a short article about how the author was inspired by that talk. My reaction was something like "what if my foot has never been on the gas pedal?". Because to be honest, I'm not all that ambitious or motivated. I like my job, I like doing a good job, I wouldn't mind finding other ways to do my job well in other avenues. But I don't plan on ever being a COO. I don't even know if I want to be a manager someday. I've been on cruise control since I graduated college, why would now be any different? But I do think Sheryl has some fantastic points. The TED talk is definitely worth your time, so wander on over there (they fix the sound a few minutes in).

Have you ever watched 16 & Pregnant? I hope you say no. I feel bad about life/teens when I watch this show. I don't really want to support this show. And yet, I have watched it multiple times. And the only reason I'm admitting this is because I watched an episode that was really good.

It was a night where there was nothing on TV. Tivo had suggested the show so I could watch it commercial free. And so I sunk to its level and played it. Little did I know it was one of the very few episodes where the 16 year olds decided to give the baby up for adoption. And wow, it was intense. Their parents didn't support them in it which made it harder. The couple that adopted the baby were super supportive and wanted them to be involved. But wow, the journey of actually giving the baby away was heart-wrenching.

I do not like this show, I think the idea of glorifying teen pregnancy is troubling. But that episode was a really honest portrayal of a bad situation. I recommend that one episode for anyone that is curious about the show, but doesn't want to see stupid teens have babies that their parents have to support. Be prepared to cry (probably much more likely if you have a uterus).

watch it here

The night of the party, I wrote a really fabulous blog post...in my head. It was some kind of treatise about couples. About settling and chameleon couples, about how loml and I wonder about everyone's relationship after we observe them in the wild. But I can't remember that post and I'm fairly sure it had no point and may have been mildly insulting to a lot of people.

I do wonder if anyone else discusses the dynamics of other couples in the same way we do. How their lives and communication are confusing, how it works, how it doesn't, etc, etc. Maybe we're creeps. Over-analyzing, judgy freaks?

party people...

Yesterday, after everyone left the party, I came on my computer and almost wrote a post. Then realized it was already 1am and I wasn't getting the "every day in November" merit badge even if I stayed up a little later to write it. I was sure that post-dating was not a thing - but it seems like blogger would have let me do that. Now I'm planning on being a fake internet psychic...(I will never post date anything, ick)

Yesterday I had a 30th birthday party for myself. Made two cakes, told people to expect to play board games. Around...noon I told loml I was over the idea and why did I ever even want to have a party? During the party I was telling this to my cousin and a friend and he was like - you just don't like fun, huh? And I totally do - but being the point of a party is a bit overwhelming for me. Sociability is not my strong suit.

In the end though, I am so glad I did it. People played games. Enjoyed making their own grilled cheese. Drank bellinis. Ate cake. And laughed and were merry.

I am 30 and have now celebrated that age with a lot of people I love. Thanks everyone, excited about this decade.

It's a piece of cake to bake a pretty cake..

I love to bake. This is new for me; I've always liked helping my mom bake, but I'd never actually tried much on my own. And really, in my old apartment, baking would have been impossible. I had exactly one small area of counter space and what you could call a half-size oven. In the past few months, I've taken to full on baking - and it turns out that cakes are fantastically easy and totally satisfying.

Currently there's a Boston Cream Pie cake cooling in the kitchen (filling in the fridge, glaze to come). And tomorrow I'll be trying my hand at a from scratch yellow cake with chocolate frosting.

Satisfying to make and hopefully even more satisfying to taste. Apparently I relish all that is domestic. Except cleaning. Cleaning is the worst.

There are certain ages that everyone would agree are milestone ages.  16. 21. and then it becomes decades. 30. 40. 50. And a lot of people put a lot of expectations on these milestone decades. I was asked, more than once, how I am dealing with this birthday - like I should be having a big meltdown. As if being unmarried and childless were suddenly the WORST.

But honestly? I'm pretty happy with 30. I've felt well older than my age for a long time. I've had an inner 30 year old for a lot of years. So maybe the next few years will be harder - when I feel younger than my age. But really, age is just a number. 

All that being said, I am very conscious of the future. Loml doesn't really like the term "future talks" anymore. But to be fair to my ovaries, I feel like the next couple of years are going to require decisions (to use them or not to use them...).

I am officially in my thirties...and officially close to the age I've been for a while.

10, 20, 30...

I had this whole 30th birthday post planned that I think I have to postpone until tomorrow. Gradually, as the day has progressed, I've gotten sicker and sicker. Pressure head, sneezing marathons, eye tiredness - it's all suddenly upon me.

At 30, I've never felt so lucky. My friends and family are amazing. And loml is an awesome fit - I couldn't wish for better. He's off on an epic adventure to get me soup right now. I feel cared for and loved; thirty, though starting with the plague, seems like it will be a fantastic year.

nablopo...

mo?  Can I do a month?  I haven't even managed a full month of posts this year.  A full 13 posts are my 2011.  But I seem to do better at blogging given a schedule.


So happy november everyone. My november started with a cupcake, peaked with a personal sized cake made for me by a coworker and will hopefully end with some bulb planting and knitting.

I've been thinking a lot about home ownership lately. There are a lot of people that talk of home ownership like they talk of their marriages and their jobs: like it's a shackle holding them back from reaching their true potential. Though you have to wonder, true potential for what?  

This house is old, it is going to require a lot of money over our lifetime together. But it is also something that I am still super ecstatic about. It sometimes hits me at odd moments, like last night randomly: loml and I live here. We are making this our home, however slowly that is happening. We now have furniture in all the rooms. No unpacked boxes. And lists of plans and hopes and problems. To me this isn't solely a responsibility, it's a hobby. I'm going to put money into this house to make it my own and I'm going to relish it (most of the time).

I think I've mentioned here before that I was a weird teenager - I used to watch This Old House every afternoon and initiated a process to choose nice, wooden furniture for my room. My parents helped subsidize my weirdness - if I paid part of the cost of the furniture, it would be mine as an adult. It is now officially a part of the purple room here. I have always enjoyed this part of domesticity. 

The gutters could use replacing. The garage as well. Mulberries. The basement floor is partially ruined already. The list goes on; and sometimes it feels damn good to complain about the problems. But I own those problems, I am happy to put part of my money into fixing them. I'd rather have money to replace the garage than I would a new shirt, shoes, purse, gadget or car. It may not seem fun to you, but it is to me. I mean, what is more fun than seeing and falling for this and realizing there are dozens of places you could put it:

(via Oh So Beautiful Paper, hopefully available here soon)

I tend to be a non-social person. That's not to say that I'm anti-social; I like a good get-together. And I've been known to enjoy a good party. But I just don't really thrive off of social situations. I am good with one-on-one, good with those I know well in small groups - I just don't like crowds. I am, in many ways, an introvert.

Strangely, I have found that I love it when loml has people over. I love it because I get to watch him doing something he likes and is great at (being social) and I mostly get to observe without participating.  It is like sucking in the atmosphere at a no-pressure party. I feel like I get all the benefits of social interaction without having to actually do much. It's fantastic.

fo 1 & 2!

Yes, it is June and I am posting my first and second finished knitting projects of the year. It took me 6 months to finish a single thing. This:

It's small. Smaller than a baby blanket should be. But I just got to the point where I was done with diamonds and needed to give this to the mom-to-be. She's due in two weeks. So here is a case where it is the thought that counts.


However, I made up for the small blanket.  This is possibly the cutest thing I've ever knit, and all for baby Seb (he will be Sebastian Mateo).  Immediately following the blanket, in less than a day, I whipped this up:

It's called the umbilical hat. And it was a crowd pleaser - the yarn was right (soft and machine washable) and it was itty bitty. Maybe not so practical for a july baby...but that's beside the point. More to come, much more quickly now that I don't have a baby blanket hanging over me.

Do I want to buy this? I don't know yet. But since I'm trying to be a more regular blogger and I'm dead tired, this is my effort at content this week.

Lately I've been feeling like an adult. An adult with a partner, a house, a job and responsibility. It's funny how suddenly, or as suddenly as 9 years can be, it seems I've grown up. That's assuming adulthood begins when you can legally drink. I'm trying not to use this space as a place to vent (wet basement! job frustration! boys smell!), so yeah - all of that, but also the good stuff.

Like gardening. I know it doesn't appeal to some but it is cathartic to me to dig holes and rip out plants and sweat. And this house is going to take a lot of gardening thought over the next few years. I don't think the landscaping is bad - but it is a bit boring.  A lot of groundcover and ivy and hostas and ornamental grasses. And one rose bush, which I hate (white roses?  really?). I know roses are an art and people worship and cultivate them. But I think they are a bit silly. Give me a rhododendron or a hydrangea any day. There are some lovely hydrangea bushes here in fact. One out of about five seems to have had a bad time this spring, but happily there is one bush that is probably the size of a wine barrel.  It is huge and hardy and I cannot wait to see what it brings.

I only planted a flat and three tub plants this year: impatiens in my planters (shout out to my mom, the impatiens lover) and some bigger geraniums in the front landscaping. I mostly just spent my time ripping out stuff I didn't want. If you're not sure about that ornamental grass, don't plant it - because taking it out is going to hurt.  I have a lot of ground cover to consider, some bushes to remove and then a backyard to wrestle with. 

I wonder if I can manage a very small vegetable patch at some point (and then we'll not eat those vegetables just like the CSA box we've already changed from veggies + fruits to fruit only).