That journal, the unfair portrayal, has been retired. Put to pasture. I know I spoke of it before as a good read..I acknowledged that it was unfairly dire but also a real way to look back and learn from where I was. That is true. And then I had the opposite experience with it - I went back and read it and was that girl again.
I don't know how to explain it other than - I was in an unsettled place at the time and it seeps out of the writing. And the last time I went back and read it all, it stuck to me. The doubt and uncertainty were truly poisonous.
So I've stopped reading and writing. I never wanted to write when I was super happy and the other writing fed off of itself. So there is no balance to it: crazy feeding crazy. And I think writing here will fix that imbalance.