Back in 2004, when I started this blog, the grand idea was that I have a place to just write. To "vent, bitch and story-tell". I have often felt that writing about a thing can often make it feel like less of a thing, that the act of writing about a feeling makes that feeling diminish somehow.

And suddenly, here I am, four years later, full. Full of stuff to tell. Because now? I can't here. Because you know me.

My greatest weakness is my inability to let you all in. There are maybe, maybe a handful of people that have seen me cry. Heard me cry. I get upset and I hold it so tightly, because it's my upset, that I end up choking it. Choking on it. Dealing with it completely alone. And right there is the reason I started this blog, to possibly let up a little on my grip. To open up a single inch in hopes that I could do that in real life.

It's not working. It's not working because I don't want to talk about things on here because they involve you. It's not working because the problem is wrapped so tightly in the solution that I will never free either of them. It's not working because I'm so good at being alone that I don't know how not to be.

I'm sitting here, thinking about how this all feels so much like a war with myself - I'm tired of being alone but I'm unable or unwilling or unsomething to reach for someone.

I don't think I can win.

And I think, that maybe, this blog is unable to serve the purpose I once had for it.

Fitness followed shortly by Fudge Stripes...

About 20 minutes ago I thought it was a good idea to open my blinds (it appeared to be getting darker, I wanted to keep an eye on the weather). About ten minutes ago my neighbor caught a good eyeful of me standing in front of the TV in my underwear (I was changing channels). I used to be crazy modest: wouldn't undress in front of my sister/mom modest. Something happened in the last few years and that just leaked away. And now I stand, in front of my ground level windows, in my skivies.

Although, to be fair, the amount and type of skivies I'm currently wearing could be misunderstood as a slutty workout outfit (sport bra and boy shorts). However, I think the guy that caught an eyeful was perplexed and intrigued as I watched his reflection (bouncing off an opposite window) slow down and consider a second pass.

In other news, the wiiFit has empowered me to work out in my skivies. And it's delicious. I wish everyone in the gym would just agree not to look around and we could all wear underwear only. It would be amazing. But that is also horrifying.

And, can I tell you that it makes no sense to me that the male trainer "stood in" for the female on one of my wiiFit yoga poses today? Like the lady trainer was so busy elsewhere in fake gym land. I hate him because of his soothing voice and lame mini ponytail. Who thought, hey, let's make the male trainer have a really stupid ponytail, that'd be manly and hot?

I get one...

I only have one thought I'd like to share with you about the Olympics. While I haven't watched regularly (at all) I still seem to have caught quite a bit of it (but sadly missed BMX'ing which I would have loved to have seen). My one thought is:

Who the HELL does that track interviewer think he is? The guy (douchey looking, with gray douchey hair) interviews all the athletes after they race. And seriously? He's the biggest ass EVER. First I saw his interview with Bolt after the 100 and I hated him (he asked Bolt about his slow up at the end of the race in the rudest way). Then I saw him interview Spearmon who had JUST found out he was disqualified (it was the most awkward and horrible interview ever, with Spearmon finally walking off mid interview). And just now, he was interviewing Tyson Gay, who had just dropped the "stick" and therefore had no medal hopes at all ("does this characterize your year?").

I do believe i could be better at his job. I hate him.

UPDATE: Watching BMX right now - seriously, they bite it a lot. The women's falls seemed somehow fake, staged. The men's? Pretty calamitous.

Oh...

I wish that people had a marquee on their forehead (shirt?) that broadcast their intentions.

• I want to just be your friend.
• I want to be more than your friend.
• I want you.
  
• I want to just be your friend.

I think this would solve some confusion (and many awkward situations) without ruining the story. Because what you intend is not often what you actually get.

• My intention is to kiss you.
  
• My intention is to get out of here as quickly as possible.
  
• My intention is to manipulate you into helping me do x, y, z.
• My intention is to have some fun.

I wish. And at the same time, I don't.

Not really worth reading...

Seriously, not much interesting to say except:

• Ladies - the Schick Quattro (lady version, all pink and such) razor is shit. I got one free and have been using it most of the summer (when I got it it came with like...8 razor heads). I didn't realize just how terrible it is until I used the Venus again, and let me tell you, that Venus makes legs of silk. Silk, my friends, silk.
  
• I love Chicago. But I forget just how much I hate tourists. And maybe it wasn't the smartest idea to take a train from Milwaukee to Chicago right before the show would start. Because the bus ride from Union Station to home? Horrendously long (due to the millions of people milling around in cars thinking that they are somehow the chosen ones who will find street parking right off of the beach) with a bus full of people who don't know how to pay for the bus, ride the bus, or get off of the bus.
  

I am sure I could come up with other random crap to spew, but I'll spare you.

Ah eHarmony...

Strikes again, with a sunny little email entitled "Katie - Photos that Make you Look Undateable". Let's run through the insight of this one, shall we? Fingers crossed that one of the 5 items is: you're just not pretty in that picture. Can't you find one that's flattering?

I feel I should mention that in the first two paragraphs it tells me I shouldn't be insulted by the name of the article and that how i look in my picture DOES matter. But, looks aren't the deciding factor when dudes look at my profile (I do not believe that for a second).

1. Picture where I'm drinking with my friends - this picture doesn't "make you look entertaining, fun or special; they make you look like a barfly". I think this is eHarmony speak for "you look like a drunken slutty girl". HA - and then the article goes on to condescend that if what you like to do is drink, FINE, but most people over a certain age don't, you lush (and ahem, how did we let your drunken ass in here in the first place?).
2. Picture with an Ex cut out - does anyone actually do this? Just curious, but that seems dumb. eHarmony thinks it's dumb because you'll always be reminded of your Ex when you sign in. I think eHarmony is dumb because they think people actually cut squares out of pictures anymore.
   
3. Picture where you're with a celebrity - the logic here isn't solid. It really just says that it doesn't make you look alluring or important. But does it really detract? eHarmony doesn't say. Maybe you look like you're trying to prove how awesome you are? But isn't that the whole point of these sites?
4. Picture where you're dressed as a superhero - honestly, if done in the right way, I think this could be entirely hilarious - show a sense of humor. eHarmony says that "it's best to save the fun photos for later down the road." I think that's BS - what if one of the things that I find attractive in men is a sense of humor (and in truth, while it's not #1 on my list, it's really high up there...and as I think on this more and more, it really might be in contention for number one). As a side note, I think, if you like to dress up as a superhero regularly? Better to broadcast that up front.
5. Picture where you're posing with something expensive - you look superficial. Which, eHarmony has nailed. But, if you love your BMW or "hermes bag" so much that you pose with it? I'd like to know that so I can judge you.

I do want to include a disclaimer here that I have no problem with eHarmony other than the fact that they are so preachy. Ick.

HA!

The WiiFit just told me my ideal weight is 116.6 lbs (this to have a BMI of exactly 22, the ideal BMI). I'm not sure how much I truly believe in BMI - because 116.6 lbs seems like...not enough for my particular body (read: huge rack). No matter what I do (and at one point a few years ago I was at 119) I will always, always have this size chest. So if you take into account the fact that all those pounds of chest are likely not figured in and are impossible for me to lose....well, that just makes 116 seem ridiculous.

Unrelated...

I laughed. From well-across the patio, I heard my aunt: "Katie?" Then louder, near shout, "is Katie over there?"

It only just occurred to me that my loud laugh could be annoying. I wonder if it ever annoys people. We all know people with terrible laughs. Maybe I'm that girl to someone.

Also, at what point is inbreeding OK? To save a species? I have a thing for donkeys. What if these best donkeys ever are on the brink of extinction? I say, inbreed, inbreed, inbreed.

A year ago...

Yesterday, as friend Alex was looking through all her stuff (preparation for a move), she found a letter from me. It was from approximately a year ago. In it I had listed some goals for this coming year...

1. Graduate. I accomplished that.
2. Buy a condo (or prepare my finances to buy a condo). I'm maybe inching closer to that? My problem is of my own making because I want something above any acceptable price range for someone with my income. I'm saving more now than I was a year ago. So I am slowly working my way there...
3. Maintain. I think this one had to do with working out. At this time last year I was working out 4 times a week. Yeah, that died pretty quickly. But I do have plans to get back to the gym. And I also have a WiiFit. So i think the plan will be:
   • Cardio at the gym (if I can manage it, 3-4 times a week). Likely the elliptical but I've heard good things about some of the classes.
   • WiiFit every day. I think I'll try for every day, but I'll be happy to average 6 times a week. The yoga already has my muscles aching.
   It also had a bit to do with happiness. I think, since November of 2005 (wow, three years) I've been slowly climbing back into a happy place. And I do think I've mainly maintained my happiness. I can't say I'm perfectly happy (ahem, and who is?). But in general? On average? Mostly happy.
   

I wonder where I'll be in a year.

Ah...

I have some sleeping issues - I tend to dream heavily and realistically which causes me to wake up repeatedly. I also have a hard time falling asleep and often, when I wake up in the morning, I won't be able to fall back asleep. I spend quite a lot of time in bed preparing to sleep or hoping for sleep.

Last night, I had a really good sleep. My dreams were unusually good. One involved the most satisfying sort of confrontation. I said what I needed to say and it just felt like release. The outcome of the confrontation wasn't what I would call resolution, but the confrontation itself just felt good. I also had a distinctly separate slumber party dream that ended in the most perfect hand-hold ever. So satisfying.

Instead...

I think, instead of buying the things I love and do not need (4 pairs of shoes in one week is a bit much, I need to rein it in) I'm going to post the things I desire. Possibly weekly. I'm currently resisting the urge to purchase things (Details subscription has already been purchased, although apparently I have some credit/gift certificate money on amazon because I didn't pay for it). So here are the things I shouldn't buy:

6 bangles...they seem a bit expensive, but due to the size of my hand, having them custom sized is really the only way to go. I'm loving bracelets lately.
I feel like I'd like to look at this every day before I walk out the door.

These appeal because I've been looking for some black jewelry.

Also, just realized you can all visit my etsy favorites (items and sellers). Some of the items may be "sold out" but if you visit the seller they are still available.

Oh really...

E-harmony just sent me an email to try to explain why it is i'm scaring guys away. Before you make any assumptions, I filled out the e-harmony application for the sole purpose of seeing whether or not they would reject me. I somehow made it in and have been avoiding their emails ever since. Here are five things I should worry about - that are likely scaring those guys away:

1. I'm telling them all I love them. I should "rein in my desire to blurt out that i've totally fallen for him for at least a few months". Because honesty sucks. And I'm clearly a CRAZY person who says it on the first few dates. That surely explains why I'm single.
2. I'm manly - I crack my knuckles and belch. I should "think about promoting my gentler qualities in a relationship's early stages". No arm-wrestling or jaeger shots either. There goes my whole game.
3. I'm not supposed to talk about marriage. Worse yet, I'm not supposed to be some kind of CRAZY person who has dog-eared bridal magazines sitting around (WHO DOES THAT???).
4. Erm, this is the first one that doesn't really apply (since it is true that I belch I love you while thumbing through bridal magazines on most dates) - I'm not supposed to introduce my kids to the man until it's appropriate.
5. I'm not supposed to talk about my exes. I've got a past, but I'm supposed to keep it there.

How uplifting, e-harmony. Thanks for the advice on how to be a complete crazy person and hide it from my new love.

hello lover....

In case you missed it, I have ridiculously child-sized feet. I mean, ridiculous. Sometimes, I'm still surprised by the size I am forced to purchase. It is maddening. I got bored the other day and went shoe shopping and found the best ever company to happen to the child-sized shoe: Sugar.

Zappos kicks ass because I can shop by size (although it sucks to have to browse through the sparkly shoes, the overwhelmingly pink shoes and the light-up shoes). So I stumbled upon these first:

And honestly, I loved them and thought they were hideous all in the same thought....and that little grain of hate, sort of made me love them more. A bit twisted, but true. So I bought them. And received them about 36 hours after buying them (Zappos shipping? Always bumps me up from $0 standard to overnight). And I put them on and I love them passionately.

I also bought these, slightly more staid shoes:

And they also are quite delicious.

But...I think I could go down to a size 2. I refuse to return these shoes, because of the magnitude of my love. I know that's dumb, my plan is to get some of those heel support things...make them a little tighter. So my already ridiculously small foot is now smaller.

This post brought to you by Zappos and Sugar.

Easy...

Things that I decided I would like to have, right this minute:

• A rotary phone, with a long old cord and a heavy handset. Assuming I have it now, I would also have it in the future when I have a bookshelf full of old books. Phone would be lovely next to that shelf.
• A patio, a lawn chair, sunglasses and a glass of lemonade. To be used in one of two situations:
  • Lemonade is spiked, friends in similar chairs.
    
  • Alone, with a book (reading Harry Potter at the moment, but most books would do).
• A donut. And some garlic bread. Order of consumption not important.
• The will to do something...I have some ideas, I'm going to try to have the motivation to actually do them starting tomorrow.
  
• John Mayer, sans hair. I sort of hate him, but oh deliciousness.

And...

It turns out it's pretty impossible to get back into blogging when you've truly abandoned it for weeks. It also occurs to me that most of my old posts are based around one or two thoughts...and now instead of writing a post, I'm just putting those thoughts on twitter. So uh, bear with me while I try to come up with stuff to write...

I made a lot of mistakes, in my mind...

I started a well-intentioned post on Saturday and abandoned it midway. The flight was draining and I was tired...so it was a rambling, useless post. The truth is most of my posts are rambling and useless...but this one was really a stinker.

My basic point of that post (which has been deleted) was that I finally, for the first time in months, connected with music again. On the flight, I somehow wandered on to the right sound and I listened to it, completely, for the whole flight (Illinois - Sufjan Stevens). Mostly without any other distractions except the view from the window.

I was hoping this would stick, that suddenly music would resonate again...but today? Not so much. I had one moment with one song (back to Bjork today, really?) and spent the rest of the time hitting next on the random.

I want that feeling back...music working with the moment to make it bigger. And I can't seem to make it happen steadily. I clearly don't have the right music for work.

I hate my music.

Ok, ok....

So yes, I haven't written in...months? Weeks? Does anyone even remember now? Things everywhere got busy and I just...didn't want to write. Plus, when work has sort of taken over your life, it's hard to write about anything else. And I don't want to do that here.

I'm currently in Vegas, but getting comments from roomie #1 and roomie #2 cajoled me into writing. I'm not quitting the blog. I clearly took a little, indefinite length vacation there, but I'll be back.

Maybe I'll muster up the words to talk about this trip at some point. But right now, I'm going to go do some work. Working from Vegas...

In the short term, you can always join the flock and follow me on twitter...

Open...

I seem to have lost the power and will to blog. I wrote a "post" yesterday, looked at it and decided never to publish it; complete crap.

Some stuff has happened:

• I graduated. I will never complain about school again.
• I got my tongue untied. I am currently learning how to work it and at the same time, mourning the loss of my "stupid human trick". My former "butt tongue" now just looks all wonky. Sad, sad.
• I sold my car. I believe I drove it for the last time to/from my graduation. I think I should be sad...but I'm not. I'm honestly more excited about trying out the whole zipcar thing (driving a different car every trip? Not paying for gas/insurance/parking? Who wouldn't love that?).

And of course, stuff is currently happening. I would love to be able to talk about work here. But I won't. I'm so buried in it at this time that it's hard to think about anything else.

I promise to try here though...

Mosaic meme...

Meme stolen from Life in the Pink

Answer these questions:

1. What is your first name?
2. What is your favorite food?
3. What high school did you go to?
4. What is your favorite color?
5. Who is your celebrity crush?
6. Favorite drink?
7. Dream vacation?
8. Favorite dessert?
9. What do you want to be when you grow up?
10. What do you love most in life?
11. One word to describe you.
12. Your Flickr name.

The instructions to create the mosaic are:

* Type your answers to each of the questions below into Flickr Search
* Using only the first page, pick an image
* Copy and paste each of the URLs into the mosaic maker

Letter...

Dear Obama,

I love you.

Love,
Katie


Dear Hillary,

Please stop. You will not be in the white house (or allowed near it). And not conceding? Is just hurting your tiny, tiny chance of getting in on Obama's coattails.

Katie

PS to you all - election night party, my place, featuring a cake like this or maybe this, entrance fee = proof of voting (even if not for Obama)

In which I am a tight wad...

I am currently watching 'how it's made' and they're making a harp. It's amazingly interesting.

It just now came to my attention that I've suddenly become frugal (or if you listen to some family members, more frugal than they think I was). A tight wad if you will. I'm trying my damnedest to get out of the apartment and into a condo and it suddenly makes sense to bum a free vacation and sell my car. Maybe it always would have made sense. Maybe. But I think the whole striving for real estate is making me pinch pennies more (I almost just typed, "making me tighter" and that seemed like a grave error. Still does).

As an aside, 'how it's made' has one of the worst shots/scenes in the history of TV, where whatever is being made glides in front of some bullshit (the background NEVER makes sense) on a little pedestal. It annoys me to no end.

I wrote this whole post because I just found myself almost signing up for zipcar and then deciding that I should wait until the car sale goes through. I admit to being absurdly excited about zipcar. I also am excited about not paying for my parking space or insurance. I will save over $200 a month. That doesn't include what I'll save in gas. I'm so cheap I won't even sign up for zipcar 2 weeks early.

Not open to that...

Dear upstairs neighbor lady,

Having my windows wide open does NOT mean it is OK to walk up to the screen and talk to my cats. Because when I come downstairs from the bathroom, it's sort of startling and mildly scary to have a stranger standing in my window scratching on the screen. Then you ask me wildly awkward questions about my cats and lead me to believe that there might be something a little wrong with you.

And it was the most uncomfortable minute or two of 2008.

Not much love,

Katie

Blankity blank...

Because I really have nothing to write about (which I will blame on my not doing anything but work lately)...here's my latest etsy wishlist (click picture to see listing/etsy shop):

Bobbypins...


Ring...


Clutch (which sold out from under me, sadly. But I still love it, from a pure place, one that knows I can't have it)...


Buttons...


Print...


Token robot items...

A departure...

Hope you all had a lovely long weekend...

In order to get back on this blogging thing, here's a list of things I sometimes kind of want, sometimes don't want at all and sometimes I think I can't be without...

1. Wii. Mainly so that I can get wii fit. But also, Mario Kart. Ok, fine, wii sports too.
   
2. Rock Band. Mostly I think I can't be without it. Then I look around my apartment and think...really? Rock band would force me to move furniture. But I could have an avatar! Or two. Or five. And I could try to sing (I do not have the confidence to sing in front of you for the first time). And my drumming skills would explode.
3. A trip to Vegas.
4. A kitten. Damned if I don't go into the adoption center at Petsmart and get hooked on the troubled kittens every single time. I have a weakness for cats in cages. And calicos exacerbate that. But this one is certainly on the list of things I DEFINITELY do not need.
5. A condo. I always want this.
6. This election to be over already, Hillary to leave in disgrace (and debt) and Obama to eke out a win (or not eke...to kill).
7. About 10 things on etsy every day. That site is killer. Ordered within the last month that I do not need: shirt, ring, earrings, bracelet.
   
8. Work to be less about deadlines and more about the actual work.
   

It never rains...

It's funny, the way the posting on this blog goes in waves. I'll spend weeks being nothing but silly and then I'll hit some valley and suddenly it's negative post, negative post, negative post.

I'm just having one of those days where it starts off swimmingly, I mean, really good. A hilarious story about a white suit and a rib down the back at lunch had me laughing hysterically. Meetings were mostly good. And then bam. Stick in the spokes, I swerve. Now I'm just in that horrible balancing/juggling act of how I handle the next 40 minutes.

I think there are a lot of people, friends included, that don't think I'm entirely human (lack of feeling). And that's my own fault, because I'm so self-contained. If I'm upset, you aren't invited to see. I'll handle it.

So this is me, telling you I'm human. And I'm struggling with how to go to bed without tears.

Recently it's come to my attention that my feelings about loyalty are abnormal. I am loyal to a fault. Probably to my detriment in certain situations (invited to a party by a guy I'd love to see again? No thanks, I already had plans with my friend). And if there is one thing that I'm bound to get angry about it's a situation where I feel like someone was disloyal (the one large fight I can remember having with the bestie was because she backed out on me for a guy. Sure, he's her husband now, but at the time I needed someone to help me move and she could have survived a weekend without seeing him).

I am sure that a lot of this comes from my family. I am fairly close to my extended family on my Dad's side. We always spend holidays together. Christmas Eve has turned into such a big deal that even those with spouses don't do every other year anymore (it was tried by a few and it failed. Pretty miserably). And while this doesn't ring of loyalty so obviously - it is - it's family loyalty. We attend birthday parties, we attend graduations, christenings, baby showers, weddings - we put family first. And I guess that just bleeds into my friendships.

And I just don't think there is enough loyalty around these days...

I'm not sure where I'm going with this. I have been thinking about writing a post like this for more than a week now. And I opened up this blog earlier and just felt wholly uninspired (I think I'm using up all my inspiration on lame things like twitter, wording emails perfectly to play politics and crazy dumbed down CMS capable code). But, here I am. My family is pretty kick ass and I was reminded of that again tonight.

Aha shake...

On Friday I was chastised for not blogging more. So here's some blog for you.

Evidence of my brilliance:

i just broke janets chair! And I'm the drunkest. Asian guy with glasses was hot!

That is a text message that I tried to send to a friend. Apparently there was a "protocol error". So...sorry friend, your request for a drunk text? Unfulfilled.

---

Somehow, no matter if I'm interested or not, I end up watching the Derby every year (usually forced by the sister). I make it a point to root for the gray horse (or one of them) every year. They never, ever win. I found this year a bit hard to take. It makes horse racing seem all the more inhumane to me when a horse breaks both ankles right after placing. And then is shown on TV laying on the track. And then we learn she was euthanised. Horribly depressing.

---

Dear Harmonix,

Please make these songs for Rock Band posthaste:

Taper Jean Girl - Kings of Leon
Heartbreaker - Pat Benatar

More suggestions to come...

Love,

Katie

it's too late...

I feel like I need to post because it's been so long, so here's my terrible effort. I admit to being energized to post this morning and losing that energy as the day wore on and my sneezes got closer together. Now my head and face are tight and I'm not happy. But here's my post:

Most of last summer I wore nothing but skirts and two pairs of longer shorts. I just had a 10 line IM conversation with my sister about what I should call the shorts. Answer? Not culotte (I was misinformed). Bermuda shorts. And if you're curious, you should wikipedia "shorts". Back to the point. I wore shorts and skirts. I loved the skirts especially and so decided that this year I wanted to branch out into dresses. And let me tell you, the sun dress hunt has been amazingly difficult. I saw one million. Tried on twenty. And bought two (pictures at end of post). That's a bit sad, yes? I guess I'm starting my dress campaign small.

The last part of the campaign was to find the right shoes. And honestly, I wrote this whole boring post just so I could tell you how much I love these shoes. They kick ass (we'll see about comfort, but I think they'll fail there). Expect to see a lot of these shoes:

The weird appointments continue...

There was Wednesday's appointment, where I discussed shaving my head with my hair stylist (conclusion: I have the head for it. Do I have the balls?). At that appointment my head was not only felt like a melon (squeezed and fondled) but laser eyed by the stylist next to me.

Then today...at my gynecologist...the walls in the exam rooms were thin and I heard a fairly interesting conversation next door (while in my "all together"). My doctor was in there with a patient (I have been to that doctor quite a bit and could recognize her voice through any wall). I only was able to hear snippets, but it all started with my gynecologist saying: I understand that you're upset with me.

I heard other random pieces that I can't remember at the moment and it all ended up with my doc telling this girl that she would recommend other doctors. Somewhere in the middle I became fairly convinced that it was a pregnancy revelation gone awry that was likely ending in abortion doctor recommendations. Either that or a cancer revelation that was poorly handled.

And I saw the girl in the elevator bank afterwards (I can only guess it was her...she went in before me and looked like she had been crying). And I felt awkward.

The walls should really be thicker at the gynecologist.

That will be all in appointment weirdness for months and months...

Today's appointment that ended weirdly...

Dentist: You're entertaining. I hope you get 100 cavities and are here all the time.
Me: Please no.
Dentist: Yes. 100 cavities. (pulls ponytail. touches shoulder)
Me: (giggles. kicks him in the shin)

Obviously none of those actions happened (but the conversation is word for word...and there was a shoulder touch). But if I had a ponytail, he would have pulled it. And I felt like giggling and fake punching him or something. Ah, school girl crush...makes the day (and the tooth work) that much brighter.

We also chatted about the amazing tongue attachment I have. And how he had his cut (just typed cute...freudian slip) while he was in dental school. And, don't I hate being tongue tied?

Whenever I talk about the tongue thing with my mom, this is the conversation we have:
Mom: I thought your sister was the one that was tongue tied.
Me: Nope. Definitely me.
Mom: No, it was your sister. As a kid. Definitely your sister.
Me: Mom! Look at my tongue. It was me. How can you even argue it?
Mom: No. Your tongue is clearly stunted, but it was her.
Me: !

But I digress. I do hate being tongue tied. While it has provided me with extra control over my tongue muscles thus giving me a "stupid human trick", it is also maddening.

So now I decide whether or not to contact a periodontist and go through this whole painful thing, just so my tongue is more useful. Plus, it costs a lot of money. Maybe my "economic stimulus" money....

In which I am asked to save the world...

Today I was asked to be a hero and save the world. Or be totally irrelevant and, in the act, risk possible neurological issues. These two conclusions come from the same action.

At the dermatologist (I go yearly, mostly because melanoma hates my family) I was "approached" by my doctor to participate in one of her colleagues' vaccine trials. They are testing a vaccine for small pox. And while you may be saying to yourself "small pox was eradicated", you, my friend, are wrong. Because, geniuses that we are, there are two specimens of the virus in the world. One in the US and one in GB (and something about Russia? Her story meandered). It's clearly not fool proof storage because at one point the virus "escaped" and killed someone in GB. The government and scientists are trying to "head off" any possible biological warfare in case the virus is stolen. Because it could be leaked and kill boatloads of people. Doesn't that sound like it's sort of possible someone already stole it? It all boils down to terrorism and biological warfare.

So, why approach me about the drug trial? Because it's entirely likely that I have eczema. And people with eczema? Not supposed to have the vaccine because bad things can happen. So while you all are being saved from biological weapons, I will likely die because my skin is not good. True story. Wikipedia it.

In the end, it sort of comes down to...do I think it's necessary to participate and save the world (and self, since I'll be vaccinated), risking ruined skin and possible brain injury? Or do I think that small pox will not be stolen/used against the US therefore making the brain injury/ruined skin a stupid, unnecessary risk?

Self vs. community. I'll get more info down the line, when the trial passes some ethics commission, but I don't think it's out of character for me to say - fuck that, let small pox kill you all.

Lists that never came to be...

• Blog topics that would bother my coworkers...
• Anything to do with shark week
• Any details whatsoever about eating cookies
• Anything to do with my sex life, in specific details
  
• Likely anything to do with my woman parts. Or NSFW waxes.
• How much I love them and why
  
• Reasons that I hate you...
• This list was going to contain one reason that I hate each person that I love. It would be an anonymous, random list. Basically it would be an ingenious, diabolical mind fuck of a list. And I would never tell anyone which item belonged to them.
  
• Reasons that I love you...
• The nice version of the previous list. To be created exactly the day after the hate list.
  
• Words that my coworkers have made up...
• This list exists in my cubicle if you ever wish to see it. It also was my fall back list, in case things should go so awry that I couldn't think of anything...

If I hadn't quit my job a few years ago...

While watching Sliding Doors I found myself wondering...if there were an alternate reality Katie out there...what would she be doing? So...if i hadn't quit my job 2.5 years ago...

• I'd likely still be here, this apartment
• It is likely I'd be dating someone...hopefully someone I actually liked...but for some reason I feel like it'd be someone that I moderately tolerated (possibly one of my coworkers or his friends...he was really, really new when I left)
  
• I predict I'd be quite a bit heavier than I am at this moment
• The above prediction is due to the fact that I think I'd still be miserably unhappy at my job
• But I'd be unaware of this unhappiness
• I imagine the friendships would be strained
• There is no chance in hell I'd be making the money I'm making now

That all seems so negative. I imagine it's possible I'd be happily coupled. Or that I'd have found a better job in the insurance industry thus increasing my job satisfaction.

Things I have tried this year...

• Santong Chicken (delicious)
  
• Barbecue flavored chips (I don't hate them like I thought I did)
  
• Eating "cookies" every day (impossible...)
  
• Upper lip wax (not nearly as painful as some would have led me to believe)
  
• NSFW wax (even less painful than that upper lip, but with a bit more lasting pain)
  
• To find a retro bathing suit (curses!)
  
• Baking banana bread in the toaster oven (failure)
  
• Thai fusion (found it tasty)
  
• Rock band (!!!)
  
• New dentist (closing the list with delicious as well)

My morning routine...

I doubt this will be interesting to anyone...but maybe if you're curious as to how I get completely ready in 30-40 minutes, you can follow these steps (average time is exactly 33 minutes):

1. Alarm
2. Toilet
3. Shower
4. Towel dry
   
5. Towel on head
   
6. Brush teeth
7. Contacts
8. Bottom underwear
9. Full body lotion (best 2-4 minutes I ever added to my routine)
10. Bra
11. Deodorant
    
12. Towel off head
13. Brush hair
14. Foundation
15. Under-eye concealer
16. Curl eyelashes
17. Mascara
18. Blow dry hair
19. Put on clothes
20. Powder
21. Blush
22. Hair goop (pomade/wax)
23. Jewelry

GO!

List suggestion the second...

Movies that make me cry...

• Stepmom
• Life as a House
• Pretty much any movie about Sept 11 (recent cry fests include World Trade Center and United 93)
• I have a vivid memory of sobbing at Free Willy, in the theater, back in the day (I was 12)
• Ditto Lion King (I was 13)
• Keeping with Disney, the Fox and the Hound (how is that a children's movie?)
  
• Meet Joe Black
• American History X
• My Dog Skip
• Old Yeller (I'm not sure why, but I think we used to watch this movie a lot)
• Lord of the Rings movies
• Harry Potter flicks 4 & 5(more with Cedric than Sirius...which is not true to book). I predict crying in 6, 7 & 7.5
  
• Return to Me (something about the dog + David Duchovny...gets me)
  

This list was harder to craft than I expected. I know I cry a lot at movies...but coming up with specific movies...well, that requires memory. Something which I lack.

And, in honor of the horrific, thick, wet snow today, true story:

Me: mouth open wide, eating the snow
Passerby: (laughing) you might as well get some nutrition

As if snow has any nutritious value.

List suggestion uno...

Reasons I like my genes...

• My height. I actually genuinely like being short. And short jokes? Not that insulting and totally true. I mean...a short joke is better than most jokes about your looks...
• Intelligence. We're a pretty smart bunch.
• Is it fair to say my chest? Some days I hate it (trying on super cute bathing suits that otherwise look pretty kick ass). Some days they're hard to hate...
• My ass. I really like my ass. I need to put on some work-out pants again and admire it.
  
• Possible longevity? My family members (on both sides) are still kicking it. One, well into her nineties. We have five generations around right now. My great-grandma, my grandma, my parents, my cousins and then my cousins children.
  
• Insanity? Although we may be crazy, we're lovably crazy (most of us).
• I guess my metabolism should be commended here. I really should be heavier than I am with the way I eat. Today for instance, I not only ate a donut, but also a piece of cake (and pizza. And a bagel).
• Musical ability. I didn't think I had any (probably because I never tried?). But it turns out I do have rhythm.
  

It occurs to me that it is hard to separate genes from upbringing. I mean, maybe my genes lend themselves to my being intelligent. Or maybe the way I was raised did that?

Reasons I hate my genes...

• My teeth. Soft. Deep. Prone to cavities.
• My chest. That comes from my Dad's side of the family. All the women are short with a large rack. I even have an Aunt that had a breast reduction. At least I don't have the crazy Italian hair like they do...I'll hold on to that...
  
• Large, flappy earlobes.
• Small feet. I mean...I understand that large feet would look a little off on a very short person. But at the same time, it would be nice to have adult sized feet. Apparently my only hope is to have a baby, since that is when my Mom's feet got just a bit bigger. But hers were never quite as small as mine.
• High cholesterol.
• Cancer.
• Heart disease.
• Utter insanity. I think this does run in our family.
  

Things I should have done today...

• Work more
• Shower
• Brush my teeth
• Not watch the last episode of Six Feet Under. I feel shitty and quite tired and I practically sobbed.
• Change couch location every few hours
• Drink more liquids

Also, I thought of a sex on a stick that I missed...Michael Buble. Went to that concert as a present for the Mom and ended up enjoying it quite a bit...

Sex on a stick...

Not sure where that term came from, but I use it mainly to describe performers (of the music variety). And, this list only contains people that I personally thought were sex on a stick live/in person/in the real world:

• John Mayer - I dislike his music and I don't much care for him in general. But I happened to be at a concert or two (or three...) and he's delicious on stage...
• Caleb Followill (Kings of Leon) - caveat: has to have short hair. And again, this is a stage thing. Although I find him more attractive than John Mayer.
• Justin Timberlake - no caveats. He is sex. With or without the stick.
  
• Brandon Boyd (Incubus) - caveat: shirt off. Ok, not really.
  
• Eddie Vedder (Pearl Jam) - Mostly on stage, but if he has short hair, always.
  
• Tori Amos - I know, doesn't really fit. And I wouldn't say I'm attracted to her. But...on stage...with her piano...yeah....if that's not sex on a stick, I don't know what is...
  

Honorable mentions:

• Brandon Flowers (The Killers) - audio sex. I find him completely unattractive on and off stage.
  
• Michael Stipe (REM) - I'm not attracted to him per se...but he's enigmatic and intriguing. And he mesmerized.
• Big baby head, aka Tom Chaplin (Keane) - um...there's not much about him that is attractive in a conventional sense. But...his hot tight red pants really made an impact. And his goofy English stage-presence.
  

Crossword clues that I stupidly missed in the last few days...

Answers:
• Big Time
• Deduction
• Ibex
• Gulps
  

Clues (do not correspond with answers):
• Elbows
• Messenger _____ (ending in an A)
• White, black and orange creature
• Mississippi and Nile
  

I have nothing to say...

so....

• Why is it always so hot in this apartment? It occurs to me that the temp in here doesn't really fluctuate. The radiators make it hot in the winter and the lack of a/c makes it hot in the summer.
• I tried on some "retro" bathing suits today and decided it theoretically could work. I just had some slight problems with the top of the bathing suits. One was strapless and tied in the back (ha! no support there), the other had cute straps but a V so low in the front that...uh..yeah. Anyway. I will keep trying for that suit. And as a side note to suit shoppers - Bloomingdales swim department? Far better than Macy's.
• Macy's sucks. Seriously. We went to the Water Tower store. That store is basically vertical and we encountered 2 failed escalators. They were completely blocked off. Not even usable as stairs. Way to push your customers out of the store, Macy's.
• No more snow.
• I forget that I have a lot more time to entertain myself sans school.
• Banana bread + nuts = gross.

Two lists...

Things that I can't get enough of lately...

• Donuts. How about the free donuts at work stop? Yeah, that'd be great.
• The Kooks. Especially this. Specifically 1:53-1:56.
  
• Six Feet Under
• String cheese
• My bed
• Rock Band nights
  

Things that I have had too much of...

• Donuts.
• Work in general (the day off tomorrow is...amazing)
  
• Winter
• Politics. I am invested in this election, more than I had wanted or hoped to be. And it's just getting old. And long. And we're not even close to the real election yet.
  

Lists that I discussed today...

• Things that I was called at work today. This one caused most of the following to be hurled my way:
• "Doesn't Katie look beautiful today"
  
• My memory fails, but I know I was called dynamic
• "You don't look as fat today as you did yesterday"
• "Your boy cut looks much less boyish than yesterday"
• "I like you better with makeup" (this one is the definite winner)
  
• "I'd hit that"
  
• Things that would horrify my coworkers:
• a "nip slip"
• anything involving "shark week"
  

Things I was called in the past week at work...

• prudish
• a "high school special"
• bitchy
• a cunt
• a slacker
• vacant
• frazzled
• terrific

One of these things is not like the other...and is also a lie...can you guess which? And note: I called myself one of the above but I thought I'd include it...can you guess which?

When you read this list, it really seems like I'm being abused at work...

Here's my first random list...

• I hate St. Patrick's Day for a variety of reasons (useless?). But this afternoon, when walking home, I stepped in a pile of vomit. And thus my hatred has reached its peak.
• I had a moment of panic while taking my final tonight where I didn't know what to do for a 20 point question (out of 100 points total). And uh...it occurred to me that it was my own fault since I didn't even watch the last two lectures (out of 11). But I did find an example in my notes (the panic happened when I "remembered" that I hadn't printed any StAX code, only SAX. But I didn't remember correctly). So I wrote down a page worth of bullshit.
• Do you think it's true that no one has normal, healthy relationships?
• Do you think you're happy?
• I have a few more list ideas, some of which are probably bad ideas. So if you have any list suggestions or lists you'd like to see, do share.
• Watching Six Feet Under for days/weeks has made me quite morbid. Who will come to my funeral? How will I die?
• This list is terrible. I'll try harder tomorrow.
• To end this list, I'm going to talk about bathing suits. I wear my bathing suit about once a year...and yet bathing suits are somehow a weakness of mine. I tend to want to purchase new ones. And this year I'm intrigued with the retro look. The best one I've found (ie, I could probably pull that off nicely) is:
  
  But, it's so freaking expensive. And really kind of low up top. And I hate that you can't try it on before you buy it. And really, do I need a new bathing suit?
  

Things that make me feel misty-eyed...

This list includes things that make me flat out cry as well. This list is also very superficial and is strictly multimedia related (Books, TV, movie)...

• Harry Potter Books 4, 5, 6 and 7
  
• "he would do it for you" (please note, that I did not type He. I have not seen the light. This is just a quote from Six Feet Under)
• Keeping with the theme, that last episode of Six Feet Under
• Stepmom
• Love Actually
• Life as a House
• That one insurance commercial where everyone is nice to everyone else and that song by Hem is playing (Half Acre).
• Extreme Makeover Home Edition
• When Denny died on Grays Anatomy
• When Boromir dies in LoTR

That's all I could come up with off the top of my head...

Smells that I cannot stomach...

• Truffles (the mushroom). Just thinking about the smell of food cooked with truffle oil or containing truffles makes me feel vaguely ill. My least favorite smell in the world.
  
• Bad breath
• B.O.
• Smelly feet
• Rotting old shoes. You know that musty, rotty, smelly foot smell. Yuck.
• The smell of ethanol being produced aka the smell of South Bend, IN.
• The smell that emanates from dumpsters next to bars the morning after. Stale beer, smells very much like the smell of South Bend, IN.
• Dirty hair. I can almost not stomach my own hair. And honestly, now that it's shorter, it smells more quickly (weird). But it particularly bothers me when the smell of others is strong enough to waft across a room.
• The smell of puke
• Fish smell (if it's mild I tend not to mind as much as some of the others)
  

Things I am looking forward to...

• Spring!
• Getting another tattoo
• Never having a kid who says in a snotty, entitled voice to her three eleven year old friends "Don't you guys care that I'm getting a Mac book Air??"
• End of school
• Hawaii
• Disney World
• Fall (for some reason the transition from Winter to Spring always makes me want fall. I prefer Fall above all others)
• Working out again
• Robot zipper pouch and a robot tote (that picture is just showing the print that will be on my bag)
• A day off (hell yeah Good Friday as a holiday)

Update to Tax Rebate purchases:

• Aforementioned robot items
• Car service/fix
  
• A dentist appointment
• This dress:
  
  
• A shirt and skirt that are not on the Old Navy website

Things I want right now...

• A cupcake
• A back massage
• A new pair of black sandals of some kind
• 8 hours of solid sleep
• A vacation
• A facial
• A pedicure (oop, turns out I want a spa day)
• To get drunk in a comfortable situation and laugh and be jolly
• School to be over
• I can't come up with a suitable phrase, so how about some lovin'
• My brain to work...
  

Reasons why rock band is a girl game...

• Avatars - you earn money with your band/solo tour and can buy yourself clothes, haircuts, makeup, jewelry, tattoos...
  
• The singing.
• The social aspect. I wonder how many packs of boys do a "band tour" together.
  
• Jimmy says so.
• I think, and this is a terrible, broad generalization, that a lot of girls in my generation grew up wanting to be a rock star. Jem anyone? A lot of the shows at that point involved annoying tweeny teens singing (Kids Incorporated? Mickey Mouse Club?).
  

That's all I've got for tonight. Let's all keep our fingers crossed that they release some good songs next week.

Today in numbers...

• Number of "Not In Service" trains I saw at rush hour: 2
• Number of trains I took to get to and from the courthouse: 4
• Number of buses I was supposed to take: 2
• Number of buses I took: 0
  
• Number of buses I saw go by in the direction I needed: 0
  
• Number of miles I walked today: 2.8
• Number of people who had jury duty: hundreds
• Number of policemen I saw running full tilt after a criminal on my lunch break: 3 -5. It was an amazing commotion. Noted: if you are running from police and there is a choice between a revolving door and a handicapped door - go handicapped. That revolving door slows down momentum ten-fold.
• Number of "panels" called for actual jury duty: 3 (panel is just a random group of people. We all chose a number out of a bucket upon arrival)
• Number of panels: at least 12
• Number of times my panel was called: 0
• Difference between my number and the three called, in order called: 10, 3, 1 (I was convinced that if a fourth was called it would be my number)
• Money I made: $17.20
• Which works out to a whopping $3.13 an hour (I was there for about 5 hours total).
  

Things that will suddenly become a problem if I get put on a trial that lasts forever...

• Car appointment on Wednesday morning. I will have to cancel. Therefore I will be stuck carless for an unknown quantity of time.
• It's a three meeting day for me on Wednesday...all unattended.
• My very, very tight project deadline will suddenly look all the more ridiculous and suddenly everyone else's timelines are shot as well.
• Final exam on Monday night
• Eye doctor appointment on Tuesday
• That whole not having a car thing? After day 4 of traveling to that courthouse via public transit I'll be crazy. Ready to do battle.

I got called for jury duty. It's criminal court. Apparently at or very near a jail.

Things that are circular...

• My bowl of soup
• My frustration about my car (felt better, then I remembered possible jury duty on tuesday...which brought me back around. The public transportation to get there is impossible).
• Cleaning
• Most conversations
• My nostrils
• My hair styles
• Buttons
• The pimple on my chin
  

Reasons why I cried at a gas station tonight...

• Gas tank wouldn't open
• So the mom, brother and friend came to save the day
• but failed.
• Which caused frustration and led me to remember the following other frustrating things about my car right now:
• the trunk doesn't close properly
• scratch all down one side of the car where a parking garage "barrier" closed too early on my car
• emissions testing
• title changing
• tire pressure gauge that malfunctions all winter long
  

Reasons why a frustrated cry makes no one feel better:

• It made the mom feel bad because I was upset
• It made me feel worse because I realized how stupid it was, tried to cut it off and promptly got a headache
• It also left my eyes all heavy and hot...which is not the best way to drive home in the dark

Good day with one bad moment. The view of the city made me feel a bit better. Randomly though, right now, for the first time...in years and years, I wish I wasn't coming home to an empty house.

Things I accidentally do...

• Get all my hair cut off. Here's how you do it: tell your hairdresser you're bored with your hair, and voila! You suddenly have the Sliding Doors haircut you've always wanted.
• Eat a whole box of cookies in one day
• Insult people
• Watch terrible television (example: that Beckham's coming to america special)
• Pick my nose
• Eat texture
• Stress to the point of making myself ill about stuff that I'm convinced I'm not stressed about.
• Talk to my cats like they're human (uh-oh, crazy cat lady...)
  

Things I purchased with my tax refund...

• Stacking rings:
  



• Tentacular shirt:
  
  
  
• Sprig of grass earrings:
  
  
  
• Four pairs of these in various colors:
  
  


• Four pairs of these in various colors:
  
  


• This tee:
  


• Book club book:
  
  


• Yarn galore. I was tempted by a liquidation sale...
  
  

Plan to purchase:

• Some of these:
  

Honorable mention (purchased with other money but I'm happy to own them):

• Rain boots (if you click that picture, yes, you do go to toddler/youth boots. The sad part is that my size, 3M was still classified as little kid):
  


• Six Feet Under (I'm already well into season 2):
  
  

Reasons that I want to squeeze Christian...

1. He's my height.
2. He has a huge octopus tattoo on his arm.
3. He's fierce.
4. His hair is amazing. I'd like to touch it.
5. He got all insecure about his line the day before the show.
6. Then he cried when he won
7. But immediately went back to complete fiercitudal egotism.
   
8. He's fierce.
9. He made me giggle in nearly every episode. So glad he won.

This is katieromo, signing out.

Yes. I said fiercitudal.

Songs that I loved today...

This is a list of the songs I listened to between 10:30am and 11:30am:

• Knocked Up - Kings of Leon
• The Sound of Settling - Death Cab for Cutie
• Hyperballad - Bjork
• Crooked Teeth - Death Cab for Cutie
• Daughter - Pearl Jam
• Ooops, got distracted and listened to 4 Minutes (to save the world) - Madge & JT
• Ooh Ooh Baby - Britney Spears
• Getting Better - Beatles
• Better - Regina Spektor
• This is Such a Pity - Weezer
• Bedshaped - Keane
• lamb on the lam (in the city) - Band of horses
• Sofa Song - The Kooks
• What You Waiting For? - Gwen Stefani
• Sleeping Lessons - Shins
  

I find that when I code, the pop/dance music goes over well. It's brainless but keeps me moving.

Songs I hate today...

Here is a list of every song I skipped between 1:00 and 2:00:

• Proudest Monkey - DMB
• Everyday is like Sunday - Morrissey
• Everything I Said - Cranberries
• Wash in the Rain - A Band of Bees
• June - Pete Yorn
• Let Them Knock - Sharon Jones & The Dap-Kings
• Overture - Bjork
• Sweet Surrender - Sarah McLachlan
• Heartland Truckstop - Beth Orton
• Hang On - Guster
• Everything's Not Lost - Coldplay
• Groove Is In The Heart - Deee-Lite
• Be Easy - Sharon Jones & The Dap-Kings
• Ramona - Guster (this is the WORST RANDOM EVVVEEEERRRR)
• Crater Lake - Liz Phair
• Hold Me, Thrill Me, Kiss Me, Kill Me - U2 (why do i even own this? anyone?)
• And Your Bird Can Sing - Beatles

I hate all of my music again.

Things that I really need to learn how to do...

• Hem pants
• Change a tire
• Cook a real meal
• Trust people
• Sew, paint, draw, play the piano, or play the guitar (one or many)
• Work out (seriously...)
• Or maybe I just need to learn how to motivate myself
• Paint a wall correctly

MarBloPoMo...

It's March. This month I'll be posting lists everyday.

Lists that you will see when I run out of things to say:

• Things in my living room
• Items I own that are red
• Cookies that I like
• Future cat names
• Reasons why my back hurts
• And the ever present, reasons why today ____ed

Actually here...

Sorry for my short absence...I've been writing blog posts by the swarm...I just haven't actually written any of them. I've been reconsidering a lot lately and that tends to breed horrible meandering blog posts that no one cares about.

I'm reading Atonement and enjoying it immensely (score two for Time 100. The first score was Never Let Me Go). It occurred to me that I have too much in common with Briony. And it is unsettling. I am trying to find a way to get out of my head/stop over-thinking/over-imagining everything. I have no idea how to achieve this. At all. So I'm thinking of participating in the blog every day in March thing like my sister...so sister, I'll do it if you will? Maybe making lists will help me stop thinking about myself.

meep moop meep

Happy Sunday.

To answer some comment questions:

I was thinking about dowries because I was thinking about trousseaux. I just learned that that is the plural of trousseau. Learn something everyday. Anyway, I was thinking about trousseaux because my huge knit afghan (reaching completion!!) would be a brilliant addition to a trousseau. At which point I decided that if I ever get married, I think I will create a modern-day trousseaux (mostly full of lingerie). Then, of course, I jumped to modern-day dowries. And dowry explained.

Would I want a man who wanted my dowry? Possibly. The only issue would be the cases of wine as I don't really drink much and I don't want to marry a lush. Other than that, I think a guy who likes guitars, games, golf, dogs...might be an OK match.

And, yes, a wii would be a delightful addition to a dowry. Or to my household right now.

I'm not sure of what I see...

My sister told me yesterday that she feels like the world is telling me to get a robot tattoo. This after I went to this website and Barack Obama built me a robot. Apparently this was strange since she clicked a dozen times and never got a robot. So Barack Obama wants me to get a robot tattoo. And just now, when I was finding that link, he thinks I'm cute. I feel like using the word kismet here.

I've been thinking long and hard about the failure of the experiment and today I had an epiphany. My cookie maker was dying. So I bought some batteries, and whiz, bang, I think that might explain things. I also want to note that I think I might have been in a mid-winter slump. I think there were things adding to the weather causing glumness...but I think I have crested the slump. I will be trying the experiment again - but this time I'll be "eating cookies" 5 times a week. I'm thinking April. Or should I just go ahead with March?

And, in a moment of craziness, I found myself thinking what my modern day dowry would be. Let's say that tradition was still around...what would my dad bribe some guy with to get me hitched? Here's the list I quickly created:

1. In lieu of goats, livestock, etc, one little gray schnauzer.
   
2. Cases of wine
3. A pinball machine
4. A guitar or two
5. Some golf clubs

That list solely comprised of things my dad has in abundance. Besides piles of cash. I think that dowry might make me a pretty desirable catch...

Why should we be concerned about the truth?

I started a blog post right when I got home from work, but it was crap. So instead I'm going to talk about nothing. And you're going to like it. But I'll keep the original blog title.

For the past few days (maybe weeks?) I've been obsessed with robots. I don't know why. I think it all stems from the robot key chain I saw, wanted and was gifted some time in December. Since then I've not only purchased robot valentines (sorry if that ruins things, kids) but I've also vowed to horrify my mother and get a robot tattoo. Horrified, mooj?

I also have been feeling like a pile of lazy lard lately. Motivation to work out and stop eating cheese would be great. I'm just not sure where it's going to come from yet. Anyone?

I'm being bombarded with instances of truth vs. what we want/expect to be truth.

And thus ends this poorly concocted post.

And...

I failed.

I concede Alex.

Here's what happened (or didn't): (Before I explain, can you just imagine quotation marks around everything? I don't feel like trying to quote it all out). I was all set last night, gung ho, ready to prepare and then eat my cookie. I did in fact start the process. And kept at it. And continued. And finally I realized that I was somewhere else entirely and no matter how long I kept trying to eat that damn cookie, I wasn't going to be able to.

The thing is, I thought that once I got over the Wednesday hurdle and managed to eat a cookie, I would be able to conquer anything. I was wrong.

So the experiment? Over for now on this blog. I may need to reconsider. Here's what I learned:

• I don't think it put me in a better mood. If anything, it made me more tired (however, that could also be attributed to the never-ending winter).
  
• I did have a bit more cookie on the brain than usual.
• And sort of building off of that, I suddenly found myself thinking dreamily of spooning with someone. That's not like me. I'll blame it on the cookies.

I may need to modify the experiment (every other day? 5 times a week?).

Sorry Al.

Day 7...

First, let me just state that I pulled through and did not ruin the experiment last night. And, as a point of interest, that was the best cookie I have eaten yet in February. But I was at a place for a while yesterday where my main thought was "screw the experiment." If I manage to eat a cookie every day in February I will be shocked. At this point, I just have this stupid competitive drive that makes me:

1. Not want to give up.
2. Not want to quit before Alex quits.

So I'm hanging in there....

Adjectives...

Morning: tranquil
Afternoon: middle-of-the-road
Evening: tranquil

Day 6...

Adjectives...

Morning: Numb (I don't remember this morning, I was so tired)
Afternoon: Persnickety
Evening: Unbridled exhaustion...

Right now, the idea of "eating a cookie" is so unappetizing that I have no idea how I'm going to do it. February is looking longer every day.

Day 5 + book quest...

Adjectives...

Morning: bitter (slight headache again!)
Afternoon: occupied
Evening: sluggish

Last night I finished another book quest novel, The Crying of Lot 49. My summary:

• I do not like Thomas Pynchon. Which means that reading this book might just be the final death knell on Gravity's Rainbow.
• Some "literary fiction" is crap.
  
• I learned nothing.

That being said, I didn't hate it but I certainly didn't like it. My review: it was OK. Unless you're on a quest or you liked Gravity's Rainbow (if you do, please explain how that is possible), don't read it. 52 read, 70 to go...Atonement next.

Day 4...

Adjectives...

Morning: ravaged (wishing a different rav* word started my day)
Afternoon: ordinary
Evening: searching

Has someone ever said something to you that is mostly innocent at the time and you don't think anything of it...and then some time later it's suddenly "WAIT. That's not true/I don't want that to be true/is that true"? Yeah. It's been that day, where I am rehashing all those innocent bits.

As a side note, you should vote tomorrow if you have a primary in your state. I don't care who you vote for, although some of the reasons for voting for your candidate infuriate me. Examples: Hilary because she's a woman. Hilary, because of her experience (PAH, being the first lady IS NOT experience. No matter how you want to twist it). Or voting along party lines just to stick to your party.

Fingers crossed tomorrow for Obama.

Day 3...

Adjectives...

Morning: resigned
Afternoon: neutral.
Evening: crazy mixture of happy, anxious and annoyed.

Day 2...

Adjectives...

Morning: chipper
Afternoon: chipper
Evening: chipper (but with a bit of tired mixed in)

The chipper probably has nothing to do with the experiment, I just slept well last night.

Day 1...

Day 1 adjectives...

Morning: urgh. (not really an adjective, but I woke up with a splitting headache)
Afternoon: passive.
Evening: listless.

I feel like this isn't the best start to my experiment. Today was a little weird (snow day, didn't trek to work) and yesterday was weird (sick day) and so I'm starting the experiment in a different mind set than usual (how often do I get four day weekends?).

Sometimes I can't be bothered...

I found out yesterday that there is going to be some remodeling done in my apartment in the middle to end of February. In order to start 2008 with full annoyance and apartment inconvenience my landlord is remodeling the bathroom and the kitchen. Apparently this is mostly about tile (at least in the kitchen) and some major upgrades in the bathroom (more light, possible new sink and toilet, more tile/upgraded tile, a new medicine cabinet). The only issue I have with any of this is that I know these workers and if I end up with a working toilet each night I'll be shocked. Shocked. I'm not sure what I'll do if I can't use a toilet - watch out, I'm about to ask you if I can stay with you. And, I painted my medicine cabinet and feel quite attached to it. If I get more fake wood in that bathroom, I'm going to have to pull out some more black paint. So that could provide some February drama.

February 1 on Friday. Check in to see how grumpy I am each morning, afternoon and night.

And in My So-Called Life news, I'm currently watching the boiler room/hand holding episode. I predict that in about 40 minutes I'm going to want a boyfriend for the first time in 10 years. Or, for the first time since I last watched this episode.

Go now, go...

Instead of trying to find something watchable on TV, I've been watching a lot of DVD's...movies and TV. Yesterday I started watching My So-Called Life again. And damn that show was good. It came out 14 years ago (14!)...I was 12. I watched it while it was on TV and when it got canceled I wrote an angry email to the station. I know people make bad decisions about TV at 12, but I stick with that decision. I love this show.

I've already gotten through all six seasons of Sex and the City...and I think next up I'll rewatch Freaks and Geeks. I just need to borrow it again...

Favorite quote:

Sometimes it seems like we're all living in some kind of prison, and the crime is how much we all hate ourselves. It's good to get really dressed up once in a while and admit the truth -- that when you really look closely, people are so strange and so complicated that they're actually beautiful. Possibly even me.

Drinking lessons...

I have found, over many years of sporadic drinking, that sometimes, no matter how much you want it, it is impossible to get drunk. Through what seems like no fault of your own, the drunk buzz? Never happens.

One drink and two strong martinis later...I was still sober. Maybe a little more honest and noisy than usual, but sober (a final piece of honesty...I didn't give up my post-game JT). This is the third time I've experienced this:

1. Sometime in college (junior year?) I was at a party, drinking half a tray (for real) of jello shots that were full of everclear. And I was sober.
2. Last year - I hate to say it - but at my friends bachelorette party. You know, I did hit drunk, but for like...10 minutes. And then I was back to normal.
3. And tonight.

There is very little that is similar between the events. Possibly my desire to get drunk was high? And I promise, it's not that I'm drunk but I'm so stupid that I think I'm not. No. I really can talk normally, walk normally, do everything the same old sober way....

I wish this wouldn't happen.

As a side note (and somehow a corollary), I found myself wondering the extent to which I allow other people to impact my world view.

And as another side note, I find the no smoking in bars thing AMAZING.

And, assuming there are two sides to each blog post, as a bottom note (it fits), what do you think would happen if JT got a big old b0ner during his concert? You think he's wearing a cup?

Happy Birthday Al! I'm sorry I couldn't get ripped with you tonight....

Book quest, revived...

At this point, you may have forgotten about the book quest (explanation here). That's because I haven't finished a book since April of last year. It took me 9 months to read The Adventures of Augie March (Saul Bellow). I actually didn't hate the book - I sort of liked it. It took me that long to read because:

1. I was unmotivated and had almost stopped attending class altogether (travel to class and class were my main reading times).
2. The book was a little slow in parts.

At this point, it's hard to remember the beginning of the novel. In the end though, I was happy with the book. And while I found Augie infuriating at times, I found him relatable. I found his quest to find himself relatable. And maybe that has something to do with where I am in life...but whatever, it worked.

So, up next: Either Atonement (Ian McEwan) or The Sportswriter (Richard Ford).
My counts: I have read 51 of the books, which means there are 71 left...

"Cookie" follow-up...

Hope your day isn't full of bad luck like everyone else I know...

Anyway, a few questions were asked:

I am considering posting my adjectives here every day. I can't promise perfect FebBloPoMo or anything, but most days I'll post my morning, afternoon, night adjectives.

No, I will not "eat a cookie" at the same time everyday. Most days it'll probably end up being around the same time, but there will be exceptions.

And, am I going to "eat" the same "cookie" every day or try different varieties? This is a super tricky question. I only have access to a few types of "cookie" so...I imagine I'll "eat" what I have access to.

Seriously, this whole post should be in quotations.

Expectations...

For some reason, it suddenly seems that everything revolves around etiquette....how you should behave around others, what you should discuss in public and with whom, what I can't say here and how you should conduct yourself on facebook.

In the end I've come to the following conclusion: fuck it. I'm going to talk about sex loudly in public, I'm going to play rock band and not be embarrassed about how I look and I'll go ahead and write what I want here.

So. I've talked in the past about my tendency to concoct experiments out of hare-brained ideas. This February I will begin a month long experiment in which I will try to figure out how "eating a cookie" every day affects my life. I will somehow be monitoring my mood and outlook on life. Yes, that is the vaguest of the vague. I have no clue how to monitor....my plan right now is to write down an adjective for how I feel at three points each day:

1)Upon waking up
2)Sometime around 2pm
3) After dinner but prior to bed

I have a friend who is also going to participate. And another friend who is sort of half-assedly considering the idea. Either way - hopefully it'll be an interesting month....

Scene: Dominick's...walking up the stairs behind two ugg'd out DePaul girls. Not hearing the inanity they were spouting until...

Girl #2: "Ooooh, good song!"

I listened carefully and at first thought it was some sort of NSync number. But no, it was Britney Spears. Not even a good Britney song (you know you like at least one song, despite your many misgivings about Britney, her ability to sing and her ability to be sane). It was Stronger. And those girls were serious.

I know it's been a while. And there's stuff to say. But I've hit a point where I'm not sure I want to say it here. A friend mentioned that she sometimes wishes she had a blog no one knew about, and that makes a lot of sense right now. I'm struggling with how much I can say here...and some of that has to do with the coworkers (I wouldn't want to scandalize) and some to do with just about everyone. Anyway...there may be some interesting stuff in February. But that all depends on how open I want to be with you all...

Plus, I'm too busy watching all of Sex and the City.