I'm stumbling. I'm tripping over the combined forces of: getting back into the swing of writing and learning how to write about something so personal that involves someone else. I'm afraid I'll cross some line. And he's so curious about what I'll write here that I think he wouldn't tell me about a line even if he had one. Diving in...

Since I stopped blogging back in September of 2008, I started writing in a journal. And, I'm not going to lie, I was very troubled and unhappy about a lot of things at the time. I was angry with myself. I was feeling distant from my friends. And I was frustrated with the loml. The lah-mul. The journal was a vent for all of that. I've spoken about how truly terrible I am about asking people for help, about talking about my "feelings" (not accidental quotation marks)...about being vulnerable. In the journal, I write all of the inanity and insanity that flits through my head. It does not show a pretty picture in some places. In others it's full of giggles and sunshine. But, it really is mostly doom and gloom. When you're unhappy you want to whine about it. When you're happy you just want to live it.

In general, the journal is a really unfair portrayal of the last year. But going back and reading it is powerful; I can see what was behind most of it...and learn from it all in hindsight (hindsight = never good. No one ever is like, in hindsight that was a great decision I made!). But if you're loml? Those pages seem like poison. And he's partly right.

Where is this going? I don't know...

My flaws (and they are varied) come into sharp relief when there's someone else around who they affect. And I've been working on that stupid inability to SPEAK about my "feelings" thing for as long as this blog has existed (it's purpose in life). Hopefully, having loml around will cause me to speed up that damn 'fix the flaw' process that is moving at the speed of a snail. And the ultimate goal: if i speak of the feelings while they're newbs, then they don't grow into CRAZY. I have spouted more crazy in the past few months than I ever have before. Mostly normal crazy, but there was a stunning instance of capital C crazy. Quoting dreaded black journal about that stunning instance:

clearly i lost my mind a little with the phone call

But now, what to do about journaling? Do I continue, so that in 8-10 months I can look back and go: WOW, madness...or, yeah, that point was valid? Or does the blog replace it? I'm thinking blog...