I'm in Disney World right now which is why I suddenly stopped blogging. Loml, my mom, my sister and her husband all along for the trip. My brother is gonna show up in a couple of days to join the fun. I am pretty sure I have a few Disney posts in me. But I am mostly writing because I have realized how much I love showers.

Sometimes on the weekends, if i don't shower, I am crabby all day. A good shower just sets my mood straight. Hot water. Massage like. Brain emptying. I need that time to myself. I just took my second shower of the day, because if i'm sleepy or worn out, a shower just makes me feel better.

So I wonder, with the importance of showering in my life, how I came to be with loml. Who got made at me when I asked him to shower yesterday (he smelled) because "that's not vacation!". Opposites attract.

My holiday yesterday was spent with loml's parents. They are awesome and I'm super comfortable with them. Except for one thing. Farts.

Apparently dinner made both loml and myself gassy (and one would assume his parents felt the same way). We were all just hanging out in the living room. And I heard a fart. A pretty rumbly though muffled fart. This crossed loml's mom off the culprit list because she was sitting in a wooden rocking chair.

And then I smelled it. And let me tell you, that was one thick and pungent fart. All I wanted to do was comment on the horrifying smell - but what if papa loml had done it? And I embarrassed him by commenting on the purtridness? But what if he thought it was me? In the end, no one said anything until I got into the car with loml alone. It belonged to loml. Which means it's highly possible his dad thought it was me.

NOT IT.

Thanksgiving

I hope most of us feel thankful more than just one day a year- but I love that we all are kind of forced to do it on this day, together. I hope you all take some time and list out the things you are thankful for, even if only in your head. This post is probably going to veer into the sappy so if you are cynical, step away. I am thankful for:

1. The people I love. 
1. Loml. Two and a half years ago, I jokingly nicknamed him the love of my life. On his suggestion. But even then, I pretty much knew. He makes me laugh every day. And almost every day I say to him, we are so lucky. To have found each other and have this life we have. We are so lucky.
2. Family. You don't get to choose them, but mine are pretty fantastic. We're all so different, it enriches my life to have them around. 
3. Friends. I have a fantastic support system, these people are the best. 
2. My job. With the economy the way it is, I am glad that I can go to work everyday doing something I enjoy at a place I mostly enjoy. Knowing how a lot of people feel about their jobs (mostly hate), I am thankful that I enjoy it most of the time.
3. This house. When you buy something so big and life changing (30 years of my life, life changing), you hope that a year in, ten years in, 30 years in, you still love it. And this home of ours, it still feels right. I love it.
4. Mashed potatoes. I made these yesterday to be eaten today and they are insanely good already. I can't imagine after they bake covered in butter. I am so excited to eat them.
5. Disney World! We're going on vacation to Disney in a few days and I can't wait to hang out at the happiest place on earth.

Really, I'm thankful for my life. Happy Thanksgiving everyone! I hope you enjoy good food and good company.

Today I realized that I almost never think, when creeping around on someone's facebook, "wow that person has gotten fat". I can think of actually only one instance where I remember thinking that and it was about a dude. 

But I frequently, almost regularly, think that someone has lost way too much weight. And these are almost always ladies.

I don't know about you all, but to me, skeletor is much uglier than a pleasantly plump care-bear. No one wants to see or touch your bones ladies.

Every day for the past week and a half, I've come home and tried to check one thing off of a to-do list. This to-do list does not actually exist. I tend to come home from work and sit slothily on the couch and watch a lot of TV and play a lot of flash games. I think this is a perpetual cycle of tiredness and inactivity. I'm tired after work every day so I do nothing and then I'm tired and depressed about how inactive I am so I feel tired and go to bed. Then I wake up the next day tired and come home tired, etc. So I'm stopping that.

Things that, in my head, there is a checkbox next to:

• Knitting at least a few rows (one row doesn't count)
• Cooking a real dinner
• Playing with paper to try to "design" a Christmas card. This has been a hopeless pursuit for days. Until tonight! I think I have my card designed. Though you should know I went with super simple this year for my first trial at this
• General craftiness

Things there is no checkbox for:

• Writing a blog post (whooops, missed a whole chunk of days. Fail at nablopomo)
• Watching TV
• Flash games
• Reading books

Besides the blogging, all of those uncheckbox items are things I will do every night no matter what. So they don't qualify as getting anything done.

It's feeling pretty good to check a box every day. Even if it's a fake box.

Finding something to talk about every day is starting to become an issue. It's not that my life is boring (though it mostly is) but that the things that I find interest in aren't good blog posts. Or I don't want to talk about them here.

Tonight I learned that Valentine's Day was not a great movie. And that I am tired in the same way I am on weekdays when I have an almost normal morning routine (book club fairly early this morning had me up and showered). This exciting blog post brought to you by: happily going to bed at 10pm on a Saturday.

absolutely nothing.

Two of the last three books I read during my epic reading journey (the Time 100 list + librarian recommended books before you die) were set in World War I. Both involved trench warfare and the horrors of the front line. One was from the German point of view, one from the English. Both fascinating, gruesome and really depressing.

Birdsong was kind of surprisingly, a lovely love story. It was also about family and really, the word I keep coming up with is love. There were some really dark war filled sections of the book but it fit and felt exactly what I imagine war feels like in anyone's life - uncomfortable, uncertain, dirty, dark. 

All Quiet on the Western Front was really just a war novel. I walked away struck by the book - I really enjoyed it and at the same time, didn't enjoy anything about it. The novelist was a veteran of the war, so I can only imagine that the harrowing story, while fictionalized, is also taken from real experience. 

Recommend them both. Really liked that I read them within a month span of each other as well.

sparkle peen

Twilight. Yes, this is going to be about Bella & Edward. I have read the series and while it may be passe to say so, I ripped through them quite speedily and enjoyed most of my reading time. If you haven't read them (or seen the movies) you will find better uses of your time than continuing on here.

That last book though....I started to feel uncomfortable with the whole thing. Controlling boyfriend/husband, abstinence, really passive and depressing girl who only wants to be exactly like her boyfriend (I think of this as chameleon syndrome), weird baby/werewolf plotline involving, essentially, pedophilia. I'm sure if I kept trying I could think of more. I felt a bit let down, maybe even disgusted.

Today I read this (please read): http://thehairpin.com/2011/11/our-bella-ourselves

And while most of my horror is not even discussed here, it does make me think about Bella a bit differently. The argument is that Bella's depressing and creepy chameleon syndrome and her obsession with Edward is just a girl teenager issue. Everything relationship just seems amplified when you're 16/17/18 and at the same time you have no idea who or even what you are. It's why we no longer look kindly on people that get married that young. At that age, you're just swept up in your own emotional drama that you can't truly figure yourself out. Bella might suck, but she sucks in a way that most teenage girls suck, which is why most teenage girls like the books.

The comments, too, are interesting. I mostly expected people to be very negative (Twilight + a community of ladies = a certain brand of feminism SCREAMS in horror). Turns out it's mostly just a discussion of the articles good points and maybe not so great ones. It's like 16 & pregnant. Romanticizing something that isn't great for youngsters (chameleon syndrome/controlling boyfriend/teen pregnancy) isn't something I'm a proponent of.

Pedophilia, abstinence and controlling boyfriend are still a large, hideous Twilight issue for me though.

Do do do do do, do do...

I went to the DMV express in the loop to get my license renewed today. I turned 30 and just completely forgot that this forced expiration on my license (thanks for the reminder Al). I was thinking about it as I was getting my picture taken - from 21 to 30, my license was renewed with a sticker. This assumes that I looked exactly the same at 21 as I do at 30. Seems completely ridiculous. I mean, I assume when I'm 39 I will look older (probably fatter too). In the end, this license picture is so much better than the last. I looked way more baby cheek fatty at 21 than I do at 30. I think the key is to smile with no teeth. Teeth on a license = too much. That's my new hypothesis.

Other new hypothesis - when you write something bad on your blog everyone will assume it's about them.

As a side note, that DMV, even with a 15 person line at lunch, is quick! I think busy periods are probably the best time to go as they had 5 clerks available. Fantastic.

A few months back I was reading something that linked me to Fosterhood in NYC. One day I nearly read the whole blog, the archives, everything. It was amazing and inspiring to me that a peer of mine in a city decided she could do this thing alone - foster a child and be a part of their life for as long as possible. I think it's really amazing and fantastic. And overwhelming.

I have briefly flirted with the idea that this is something I want to do. I'm not certain I do but I'm not certain I don't. I feel like the foster system has this reputation for being full of crappy money grubbers who take kids in to get money from the government and don't provide actual care. People are capable of a lot of love...why not share?

I really am ashamed at the quality of this post. That's what happens when you have to post every day. But I really do think fostering is neato. The bomb. Someone take this blog away from me now.

battered?

loml tried to punch me last night. kind of.

I was dead asleep. I woke up to him kind of holding down my shoulder and...pushing his fist into my face? Not punching me exactly, but it was weird. He was up on his knees in bed. When asked what he was doing he mumbled incoherently for a bit and then said "moving the piano". And then he laid back down and was silent. We don't have a piano.

To be fair, we both do this. A lot. I don't know if anyone else has sleep conversations or sleep adventures with their partner, but we do. I guess sometimes when loml makes loud noises as he gets into bed, I have conversations with myself.

I'd like to put this here as a record of an agreement between loml and myself.*

Cat boku loves him and has slowly come to regard me as a second prize. Not as exciting. Runner up. I caught loml trying to convince cat mona to feel the same earlier. This would be devastating to me, mona's one true human love. And so, if loml convinces mona to love him more than she loves me, I get a kitten!

*He didn't technically agree. But come on, this is clearly obvious and logical.

One of the things that has really been hitting home for me in the past year or more is how often something I believe about myself or about my relationships turns out to be not all that true. Sometimes in a good way and sometimes in a bad way. Alright fine, more often in a bad way. It's not that I'm delusional or anything, I just think I'm a sugar-coater sometimes and overly optimistic.

An example from today: I was explaining my relationship with someone to a third party, explaining their life, etc. And I slowly realized that everything I was saying sounded pretty terrible. I don't want to go into specifics here, but it kind of became clear that I have very little in common with this person and that a part of me doesn't respect their choices. A few years ago I probably would have talked myself out of this or come down really hard on myself for not being kind or charitable or empathetic. But today I just thought, wow, our lives really are that different and I really don't know about those choices. And I didn't accuse myself of bitchiness, I just let it sink in that this relationship, like many, might not be what I thought it was of what I want it to be.

Ah realism. Being friends as we get older just gets harder. It's about common threads and there are a billion different threads out there - the probability of finding a match just seems so low. I used to be hard on myself for not having a lot of friends, but at this point, I feel fortunate to have the close friends that I do.

loml's post

I just asked loml what I should write about and he said:

1. how you feel fat
2. women's empowerment

That seems like a weird pairing except those were two of our main topics of conversation today. 

Fat: As I was sitting on the toilet today (I know you want this mental picture) I realized that my pleasantly rounded belly was now more of a roll. And my chin fat, second chin, waddle, whatever your term of choice, is really much bigger than ever before. Because I am much bigger than ever before. I don't like not liking myself, but I just feel heavy. Not even heavy as in fat, heavy as in, I feel like a walking exhausted ball of lead. So I have to do something about this. I don't want to buy new pants again (since I've already bought bigger pants twice in the past year). Time to eat less and get moving.

Empowerment: loml for a while today was obsessed with Sheryl Sandberg, the COO of Facebook. And linked me to this article which includes her TED talk and a short article about how the author was inspired by that talk. My reaction was something like "what if my foot has never been on the gas pedal?". Because to be honest, I'm not all that ambitious or motivated. I like my job, I like doing a good job, I wouldn't mind finding other ways to do my job well in other avenues. But I don't plan on ever being a COO. I don't even know if I want to be a manager someday. I've been on cruise control since I graduated college, why would now be any different? But I do think Sheryl has some fantastic points. The TED talk is definitely worth your time, so wander on over there (they fix the sound a few minutes in).

Have you ever watched 16 & Pregnant? I hope you say no. I feel bad about life/teens when I watch this show. I don't really want to support this show. And yet, I have watched it multiple times. And the only reason I'm admitting this is because I watched an episode that was really good.

It was a night where there was nothing on TV. Tivo had suggested the show so I could watch it commercial free. And so I sunk to its level and played it. Little did I know it was one of the very few episodes where the 16 year olds decided to give the baby up for adoption. And wow, it was intense. Their parents didn't support them in it which made it harder. The couple that adopted the baby were super supportive and wanted them to be involved. But wow, the journey of actually giving the baby away was heart-wrenching.

I do not like this show, I think the idea of glorifying teen pregnancy is troubling. But that episode was a really honest portrayal of a bad situation. I recommend that one episode for anyone that is curious about the show, but doesn't want to see stupid teens have babies that their parents have to support. Be prepared to cry (probably much more likely if you have a uterus).

watch it here

The night of the party, I wrote a really fabulous blog post...in my head. It was some kind of treatise about couples. About settling and chameleon couples, about how loml and I wonder about everyone's relationship after we observe them in the wild. But I can't remember that post and I'm fairly sure it had no point and may have been mildly insulting to a lot of people.

I do wonder if anyone else discusses the dynamics of other couples in the same way we do. How their lives and communication are confusing, how it works, how it doesn't, etc, etc. Maybe we're creeps. Over-analyzing, judgy freaks?

party people...

Yesterday, after everyone left the party, I came on my computer and almost wrote a post. Then realized it was already 1am and I wasn't getting the "every day in November" merit badge even if I stayed up a little later to write it. I was sure that post-dating was not a thing - but it seems like blogger would have let me do that. Now I'm planning on being a fake internet psychic...(I will never post date anything, ick)

Yesterday I had a 30th birthday party for myself. Made two cakes, told people to expect to play board games. Around...noon I told loml I was over the idea and why did I ever even want to have a party? During the party I was telling this to my cousin and a friend and he was like - you just don't like fun, huh? And I totally do - but being the point of a party is a bit overwhelming for me. Sociability is not my strong suit.

In the end though, I am so glad I did it. People played games. Enjoyed making their own grilled cheese. Drank bellinis. Ate cake. And laughed and were merry.

I am 30 and have now celebrated that age with a lot of people I love. Thanks everyone, excited about this decade.

It's a piece of cake to bake a pretty cake..

I love to bake. This is new for me; I've always liked helping my mom bake, but I'd never actually tried much on my own. And really, in my old apartment, baking would have been impossible. I had exactly one small area of counter space and what you could call a half-size oven. In the past few months, I've taken to full on baking - and it turns out that cakes are fantastically easy and totally satisfying.

Currently there's a Boston Cream Pie cake cooling in the kitchen (filling in the fridge, glaze to come). And tomorrow I'll be trying my hand at a from scratch yellow cake with chocolate frosting.

Satisfying to make and hopefully even more satisfying to taste. Apparently I relish all that is domestic. Except cleaning. Cleaning is the worst.

There are certain ages that everyone would agree are milestone ages.  16. 21. and then it becomes decades. 30. 40. 50. And a lot of people put a lot of expectations on these milestone decades. I was asked, more than once, how I am dealing with this birthday - like I should be having a big meltdown. As if being unmarried and childless were suddenly the WORST.

But honestly? I'm pretty happy with 30. I've felt well older than my age for a long time. I've had an inner 30 year old for a lot of years. So maybe the next few years will be harder - when I feel younger than my age. But really, age is just a number. 

All that being said, I am very conscious of the future. Loml doesn't really like the term "future talks" anymore. But to be fair to my ovaries, I feel like the next couple of years are going to require decisions (to use them or not to use them...).

I am officially in my thirties...and officially close to the age I've been for a while.

10, 20, 30...

I had this whole 30th birthday post planned that I think I have to postpone until tomorrow. Gradually, as the day has progressed, I've gotten sicker and sicker. Pressure head, sneezing marathons, eye tiredness - it's all suddenly upon me.

At 30, I've never felt so lucky. My friends and family are amazing. And loml is an awesome fit - I couldn't wish for better. He's off on an epic adventure to get me soup right now. I feel cared for and loved; thirty, though starting with the plague, seems like it will be a fantastic year.

nablopo...

mo?  Can I do a month?  I haven't even managed a full month of posts this year.  A full 13 posts are my 2011.  But I seem to do better at blogging given a schedule.


So happy november everyone. My november started with a cupcake, peaked with a personal sized cake made for me by a coworker and will hopefully end with some bulb planting and knitting.