Only in dreams...

My sleeping patterns have been really strange over the past month. I've found myself waking a lot in the middle of the night. And having issues falling back asleep. I've also been having the most realistic and vivid dreams I've ever had. Two in particular which haunted me the next day.

The first was a few weeks ago and in it I was pregnant. I know most women have pregnant dreams...and I also know there is no way I could be pregnant. But I woke up feeling pregnant. And I continually found myself thinking back to that dream. And while I don't have any idea what it feels like to be pregnant, it sure felt real...that dream was creepy.

And then last night...last night was intense. It was a fight...a fight that exploded into a kiss. The jealousy was uncomfortable, the anger releasing, the hatred righteous and the lust strong. It was quite tasty in general. And all those feelings are still sitting in my belly...it was so realistic that I feel the fall-out the next day.

This is all interesting to me in a dozen ways. And I have theories as to why my sleep patterns have changed...and why I had a baby with no father....and why I had that explosive kiss with a particular person. And for 2008 I want those theories to no longer be possibilities. I want them to be fact. Or complete fiction.

2008 will be the year that doesn't suck ass (courtesy of Al).
Or for me, the year of action over analysis.

And done...

So the holidays are over (or do "the holidays" extend through new years day?). Either way, Eve and Day are over...and now it's time to be totally lazy.

My holidays were lovely. Laid back, hilarious (my extended family in general - here's a direct quote: "he looks like someone has been pinching his penis for two years". That from someone who is a grandma. Also, my family + Rock Band = insanity) and I am always reminded of how amazing and lovable most of my family is. Yes, most. And this holiday, I also was lucky enough to be reminded of how great my friends are (although this weekend and New Years will truly cement that). I hope yours were just as successful.

My day in brief:

• Presents
• Delicious food
• Rock Band
• Games
• Car packing
• Dead wolf
  
• Man on the moon
• City skyline
• Car unpacking
• home

Maybe if you're lucky, you all will benefit from a picture, posted here later, of myself on the Rock Band drum kit. Likely with look of concentration, frustration or mouth hanging open staring at the screen.

Happy holidays...

Santa...you da man...

Last night, the family and I attended Welcome, Yule! You have to say that all excitedly...really pronounce that exclamation mark. Basically it's a Christmas song extravaganza involving a chorus, a children's chorus, dancers, Santa, a dancing Rudolph and, less ostensibly, the Chicago Symphony Orchestra.

I've been meaning to build some Christmas cheer that doesn't involve cookies and was hoping this would be the occasion. Not sure why I thought that since I don't really have any love for Christmas music. I don't listen to it on the radio, I groan when the Mom or sister has it on...I just don't like it. I have a few soft spots. I really like Carol of the Bells. And the Charlie Brown song, Chrismas Time is Here (ok, the whole Charlie Brown Christmas CD). And I frequently get an NSync Christmas song stuck in my head.

Should I be embarrassed for that? Maybe. But the reason I get it stuck has nothing to do with owning an NSync Christmas CD and everything to do with this:

I really should be embarrassed that I just wikipedia'd NSync to figure out where exactly the apostrophe/* is supposed to go (*NSync). Either way, this little ornament plays a Christmas song. I believe the ornament was bought in jest - however, I did like NSync in my youth (or, more truthfully, I always liked Justin Timberlake...or, more truthfully, I always wanted to do Justin Timberlake). And I received an average of 3 ornaments a year for as long as I can remember. So my tree is littered with Pluto, Lion King, cats, dogs, fish...and in my old age, more sparkly, grown up ornaments.

Wow. I absolutely got off subject there. I don't know where I was going with this post. Maybe I have more Christmas cheer? It still doesn't feel like Christmas yet - maybe today when I ribbon up all my packages. Or eat another box of Jingles.

Either way - Happy Holidays all.

A conversation...

Man on the sidewalk: Do you need a strong man?

Me: . . . . . .

Me (interior): Yes, I do. But you, sir, are not that man.

And I mean, clearly he wasn't serious about his offer - he kept right on walking.

Crack o' dawn...

So I'm up at the crack of dawn, to see my friend "maybe I'm jewish" Janet off to her residency interview. I haven't updated this piece o' crap for quite some time. The lull after NaBloPoMo or post-kitchen lackadaisicalness? You be the judge (and yes, I did pull out a big word at 7am. I'll go ahead and pat myself on the back).

Here's what's been happening:

• I did, in fact, step all over the wet varnishy kitchen floor. I was pissed and horribly, rottenly entitled. On the first two steps my shoe stuck and the third step I slid in a pool of varnish...and then I panicked, grabbed a fork and back tracked. I didn't ruin the floor all that badly. The one spot that is noticeable is actually a sock mark at the very edge - from where I had to lean to use the microwave.
  
• I finished some baby socks and gave them away (pictures at the end of the post). I was also commanded to start making those socks for my friend's unborn babies. That she isn't going to start having until she is 30. Which is 5 years away. What she doesn't realize is that those tiny little socks are a pain in the ass to make and she'll be lucky if she gets one pair.
• Lot of emailing to Canada. Then a phone call to the burbs. Welcome back to Chicagoland Al.
• Christmas shopping and the like...
• Figuring out what my chances are to hit it on New Years (I'm going to go with...7 to 1. And by hit it, I mean something tame like...make out). Apparently I'm going to be forced into a shopping trip with "baby sock commander" friend where I will be forced to try on humiliating hootchie shirts so that I can show off the ample cleavage. But like "maybe I'm jewish" friend states: they're there - it's not like anyone is going to miss them. Why sluttify myself? Let's struggle with that one shall we? Because apparently I would have a better chance with men if I wore tighter clothes (courtesy of "baby sock commander" and husband). But what they don't understand is - I don't want to be that girl. If you only like me because my shirt is tight and my boobs are large then fuck off.
  

See? Boring. What does it matter if I post if when I do there's not much to say....

You have got to be kidding...

It is with shock and amazement that I write this post. Not whining. It is just...incredible.

Last night I ate dinner away from home (no kitchen). We specifically ordered in enough food that I would have leftovers that I could put in the microwave (in my living room) and eat tonight. If for some reason there was an issue (like..oh, I don't know...I forgot to borrow a microwave safe plate? Which I did, in fact, forget), my back up plan was to eat some salad out of a pot. I had access to pots, silverware and my microwave.

But right now? I have access to none of the above. Just my fridge. My kitchen is back together. The pots, microwave, drawers - all back in/on the cabinets. And it looks like right after they put it back together? They varnished the floors again.

I honestly cannot make this stuff up. I have food, but nothing to heat it on, no microwave to heat it and no utensils to eat it with.

If I was a less lazy person I'd go get food. But I think I may just step on that floor.

The temperature is dropping and it feels like...

I walked home from the gym with stars in my eyes because the snow was so delightful. Falling silently, thickly...and at one point, even getting so deep as to crunch under foot. I was super content.

Then I got home and ate cookies for dinner.

Because this is the kitchen:


It's an empty shell. It has a beautiful new floor (I mean, I love that floor. Almost as much as I love a rounded doorway. Apparently I have a passion for parquet). A beautiful new floor that will likely be ruined because they never found the source of the water. Anyway, a whole cabinet is missing, the stove, the fridge, the sink. All gone. Only one of the items was relocated to the foyer:

You should all enlarge that picture and look at the items on my fridge. Particularly the hot shot of Justin Timberlake. The contents of the other cabinets? On the table and on the floor behind that picture. It's a disaster here. If I have all my glasses, silverware, plates after this whole thing I'll be shocked. Because the dishwasher disappeared while it still had a clean load of dishes in it. So, I have access to my fridge. But...no plates. The plates are still in the wall cabinets. And I have no access to my pantry. I'm food less.

It's interesting living here. In a mostly negative way. I want out.

Anyway, I still sort of have snowflakes on the mind and my good mood...not really ruined which is super surprising.

The presence and absence of...

Quite a while ago, I had a very interesting conversation with a friend about hope. She wasn't in the best place or mood...and she was wondering if hope was a good idea at all. Because in her mindset - doesn't hope just lead to disappointment? If you hope and hope for something, and then you don't get it...well, isn't that worse than never hoping at all?

My response was that her approach required the death of hope - only when you give up hope will you see the disappointment (in other words, you won't notice that you haven't gotten what you want until you stop hoping for that thing).

I've been thinking about it more...and I think my hope is a general kind of hope - which makes it possible to imagine that my hope will never die. I don't hope for a certain boyfriend or even really a boyfriend or for a moment where birds sing, the sun beams down, eyes meet, he twirls me around. That's silly. I hope in more general terms. I hope to meet people, to find love, to love myself. And, if the love thing never happens for me, to be happy single. My hope isn't mutually exclusive.

I was thinking about hope yesterday because I did a silly and hopeful thing: I clipped a coupon for something no single girl would need. In the hopes that I might need it before it expires....